Time and Money

I wanted to be a blogger that didn't neglect my blog. Oh, well. I haven't written much in general for a while. I don't feel much inspiration to write much that is new. I just write the same old drab lines. No one wants me to continue writing about the same boy over and over again. I want to write a slightly sci-fi novel though which I got out of a strange dream. Since the last time that I wrote (though I can't remember the last time I wrote in my blog) I have had car trouble, tax trouble, job woes, boy woes, etc. It's all fun and games.

My car decided to stop starting which I thankfully got fixed so that it would actually start starting again. I got a lovely crack in my windshield which was fixed for a couple months until the other day when it grew an inch or two over night. So, I get to replace it (although my dad is helping me with that - it's so nice to be under thirty). And just recently, my driver's side door has decided to start growling at me. I guess it's not fun to fix and I'll just have to adjust to the noise every time I start my car or lock it. And I guess I should try to get my oil changed since I have no idea when I did that last. And it helps that I have had to drive 60 miles 5 days a week.

I'm not going to bore with my woes, but I dislike them all. It sucks. I'm going to end with some lines droning on about money. I always enjoy how life knows exactly when you are about to get out of debt and start saving again, time and time again. I cry every time I figure out that I have one more expense. Times are wonderful. But I have hope for the year: I hope to get a better job which I have hope for, I hope to buy a house which would happen if the first happens, and I hope to get the guy which I don't have hope for. And I have a bump on my chin from one of my thankless part-time jobs by hitting it on a 360-drum set. It's nice that I take pleasure in the little things like eating, exercising, and working on my many hobbies.

Survey

I haven't blogged in a while and I have to go to work in under ten minutes, so here's the shorthand: I achieved my new year's goal of moving out on my own. I got my screenplay feedback back on my beloved screenplay and I think I'll be completely changing my main character. And in doing research for another screenplay, I have a survey for anyone who has a minute (and it is really short):

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ZGBGKH8

For the survey, just pretend 'boyfriend' is girlfriend if that makes more sense for your situation. And no, I don't have a job yet (in teaching). Things are good otherwise. Merry Christmas or whatever.

Hypothetically

Here are some hypothetical situations. Certainly some could grow up to be movies someday.

1. I was in love with someone who didn't love me back. Someone I was supposedly friends with; I went to school with for four years of college who met the woman of his dreams and married her. We haven't spoken in two years because he was a bad friend unrelated to his marriage.

2. I fooled around with my co-worker and friend for 8 months. He has a girlfriend he's been with for 2 and a half years. He just became my boss and psuedo-therapist.

3. I was in love with my brother's best friend, now we just fool around and are best friends ourselves. My brother doesn't know certain parts of that.

4. I am a Christian (virgin) who has never had a boyfriend while my sister is a wiccan who just broke up with her boyfriend of 9 (?) years who turned 60 this last year. My sister turned 29.

5. My experience getting into the teacher credentialing program was a nightmare that I'd like to make a movie out of. First off, my possible adviser wrote me an email that was a character assassination, but she later let me into the program after a couple hurdles anyway.

6. I went through major depression in high school and wanted to kill myself, but I still graduated one year early and went off to college at 16.

7. Though not musically inclined, I was in a band once for a month as singer/piano player. One of my male band mates confided his rape story to me.

One of these is not true. And some of them are too nauseating or cheesy to be put to film. But at least I earn my teaching credential this month and can face the horrible reality of being poor and still not getting a full time job as a teacher because of the poor economy. Thank you.

To the Unknown Future

I have a little over a month left and then I'm done. At least with a teaching credential, not with getting a job, not that I feel ready for that (getting a j-o-b). I did submit my prized screenplay to the Nicholl Fellowship, so maybe I'll make it into the top 5%, please?

This week I taught my neighbors to park elsewhere by parking as close to their ugly truck as possible even though it was obnoxious to have to parallel park on the least busy street ever. It's been my spot for over a year and I don't give up easily. It's mine again and I'm happy, with that at least. Having to listen to my new neighbors make weird noises, have sex in the bathroom that one time (which is not my choice to listen, they should do it in the bedroom which is out of earshot), and play random loud music for a couple seconds at a time (sometimes an hour, but who's counting?). Yes, the walls are very thin. Unfortunately that applies to my dad's/stepmom's bedroom/my bathroom wall and it's a nearly once to twice daily cringing event wherein sounds are heard that I should never ever have to hear especially when I'm brushing my teeth. Once my dog was even under their bed since he's found that to be the most fascinating place in the whole world and I have to trick him just to get him to come out sometimes. I guess he's not grossed out by that.

I'm teaching 12th graders which is easy and hard and often switches at any mili-second along with their hormones; they're really not adults yet. On a side note, what's pink eye like? I probably don't have it, but I am a hypochondriac so, I'm really worried. Or maybe it's cataracts. So, 12th graders are really smart, can be almost profound, artistic, and pretty cool, yet they can also be rude, scary, crazy, have personal space issues, body odor, and smoke cigarettes (not technically in my book, but I'm sure they do anyway). I don't actually feel a lot of stress, but I suppose I'm pretty stressed out. My under eyes look haggard today. I really don't feel overworked, just tired. I could do more work and feel the same amount of tiredness. I don't think any of that makes sense though. I'm sure some of my students just hate me, others think I'm fascinating, others think I have boobs and that's it, some resent me, some think I'm their friend, some zone out when I'm talking or feel that's the best time to catch up on the latest gossip from his/her neighbor. Some days I feel my confidence ready to burst (in a good way) and others ready to crumble.

I find it funny, maybe even surreal, and certainly I feel guilty, but hey, stress has made me into a weird person that I don't recognize. You see, I could break up two serious relationships (one romantic, the other a best friend type situation) with just words because of recent actions between me and certain people who oddly enough have similar names though I'm sure one doesn't have anything to do with the other. One conflict I have is that one form of stress relief cures the other worse form and both are bad. Which is a worse evil? Maybe I should leave.

On that note, I'm applying for jobs as soon as my third letter of recommendation gets not further procrastinated (I know that's incorrect grammar, I like it that way and yes I'm an English teacher. Someday I could teach your children or grandchildren, you're pleased, right?). The problem is that there are no jobs here where I live and there is not going to be for a long long time because people like it here far too much. Go away, this is my home, not yours. I call very few places home (just one) and that's anywhere around here (not the house, I don't feel at home in my house). It's hard to get that feeling of home and I've only ever found it here, so I don't want to leave.

I know I'll have that empty black feeling throughout my body, missing everything. I like and hate that feeling. It can be comforting when you can relieve yourself of it. But if you never find your way back home again, then it just eats away at you. I'm going to apply in the bay area, for the most part. I don't think I'll find a home there or I don't want to because I want someone to tie me down here. I've been asking around, family, close friends, about leaving. They are all for it, not in a, please go I hate you way, but they say, oh, the economy is so bad, do what you have to do. I want to stay, but no one really cares either way. The person I'll miss most is the person I think I love who is a coward and has a cracking foundation with his love. I know I'll feel that black empty feeling when I think of where he used to be within my thoughts when I leave. I just got him as a friend, the closest I've really had even though no one would really know it. I don't want to leave so soon when I just moved back here two years ago, just made that friend, just got to realize I'll miss my job and miss everyone and everything. If I leave, will he forever ruin his life or did he already make the right choice in his relationship? If I left, would he stay with her though no matter what? Will we completely lose touch with each other and lose all of those feelings behind? If I leave, will I just become empty for always? I hate the not knowing, that eats away at me always.

Comfort and Worries

I have now gained the exciting new ability to touch my eye with my finger and move around on the surface for minutes at a time. It comes in handy when I'm trying to put in contact lenses which I just got this last week. My time for getting both in my eyes is now down to eight minutes. It was eleven yesterday. About a half hour the day before. And the time before that it was about an hour. Improvements are good. It would frustrate me if I couldn't beat my time. I'm rather competitive in general and with myself over non-competitive things like schoolwork, driving, and doing better at dumb things than people I dislike.

My school quarter just ended and I should feel relief, but it would be short lived and I don't feel it, so oh well. I finished a big project this week and if I pass, I'll feel relief then. If I don't pass, I'll have to do it all over again and that'll bring me down pretty far to a really bad point. I might even get more zits. I get stress zits which is really helpful when I go to teach teenagers. I already look like one still. Next week I get to meet my new students. They are all twelfth graders at my alma mater. I'll be student teaching in April there until June 17th. That's a little stressful. I hope I enjoy it and don't further my self-loathing.

I need to get organized again. I've let my room fall into a bad state. I decided that the piles of books in my closet and on my desk was getting a bit out of hand, so I got rid of some old paperwork and created a fake bottom shelf of a bookcase at the foot of my bed out of small boxes. I think I have far too many books. But then again, I have way too much furniture for my bedroom. I hate living with Dad and stepmom. I want to be more independent, but I'm becoming poorer each month and am in debt. That's my goal for the year.

My stepmom had a full mastectomy over a week ago (that's where they remove your boobs). Dad is just worried about his sex life. And today my sister came out of the closet to all the grandparents and my father through an email. Too bad it coincided with the news of the break-up with her 62 year old boyfriend that way they didn't get to be happy about it (the break-up).

In other rather important news (not), my dog tried to eat a scorpion that got into the house. It was only like three inches long. It's a good thing that he's terrible at catching and/or eating bugs or rodents or really any predator. We haven't had a scorpion in the house yet, so that's exciting. Dad's so funny, he threatened to put in my bed for not bringing him the correct utensils for capturing it to get it outside. I hate it when he's dumb.

I guess the 'comfort' part of this post is rather odd. My brother's best friend and one of my dad's employees and I take 'comfort in each other,' as he calls it which is a fancy way of saying using each other. He doesn't like that term. He is commitment-phobic and wants to be single. He also thinks his friendship with my brother couldn't take us really dating. And plus he says he only likes me as a friend. I can sort of buy it. It's just funny because we hold hands in public, cuddle when we're alone, and just in general touch each other in a million small ways whenever we see each other. He says he needs the affection and I do too. I feel slightly guilty about it, but since I am really lonely and I am not independent like I seem, I do need him too. We only hang out once, maybe twice a week and it's never going to be a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I think that's what I really need. Someone more consistent and who actually wants me. But that'll have to wait because that guy doesn't exist for me yet.

And most important of all, I have upped my ping pong game.

P.S. I haven't done my taxes yet.

Piles and Goals

Only a month left in this school quarter. Then another 2 and a half months of the program. I'm not a very enthusiastic person and I'm generally disconnected from most everything, so this doesn't excite me or make me sad. My sense of accomplishment in being in the program and getting through the first month and a half are simply surreal. It is certainly great regardless. I just have so much going on in my head and around me that I have very little peace in my brain. I do take naps (I don't actually nap since I'm prone to insomnia, but I rest in the afternoon) which helps. It's either because I have very little energy, I get tired at 2 or 3 pm, or I just like the peace.

My stepmom's birthday was two days ago (my first stepmom that is, not my current one) and I didn't call her. Now it's a little late. I like to avoid these things as much as possible. I don't enjoy getting asked how I'm doing right now and that's generally how those talks go. I don't like giving cards. Unrelated, I certainly don't know how to tell someone, "Oh, that's the cutest little baby you have there." How do people say that with a straight face even when it's true? It's not me. I at least know that much about myself.

One interesting thing is that I may or may not be a contracted writer for one small small project. It depends on if I actually get paid or if it was a scam though it would be a rather dumb useless scam where the person on the receiving end gets a useless stream of voice-overs that serves no obvious purpose. I wrote the voice-overs for a three minute travel documentary for the Travel Channel's website. We'll see how all that goes. If I get paid the money I was promised, if it gets made into the short, and if it makes me proud that'd be good. I don't imagine that it will lead to a stunning career in film or even to additional jobs writing voice-overs, but at least I can put it on my resume and feel superior to the people around me.

Goals:
1. Resolve identity crises
2. Finish this quarter excellently
3. Pass that big evaluation nightmare PACT
4. Be happier
5. Exercise everyday
6. Eat healthier (I've gained like 10 pounds somehow - I can't find out where and it's the heaviest I've ever been - which I know is still pretty thin)
7. Actually revise screenplay, especially by May 1st
8. Pay off credit cards and not get constant balances on them
9. Grow
10. Let go
11. Stay sane

I started thinking about the concept of hope. It helps to have it sometimes, but other times it actually isn't all that helpful. I found that in one instance hope doesn't help me at all. Hoping for a significant other only makes me think about it and want it more. With Valentine's Day coming up, I bought myself chocolate (and it's not heart-shaped or pink or red). Not hoping is better here. Dwelling on that just made me so unhappy. I'm working on myself. I got to a low point recently and I hope (there's that word again) to keep getting better. More fulfillment and happiness is always better. That I can hope for. The chocolate certainly helps, but I wonder if my metabolism is slowing down. That will never make me stop the chocolate, the cheese, ice cream, or many other unhealthy foods I eat. I'll just be one of those thin unhealthy types who always worries about her weight, but who never actually does much about it. I see America.

How can it be a new year?

I just finished reading another book. This book I read on purpose though. From Wednesday to a couple minutes ago I have read about 600 pages between three rather short books. I can't believe I did that. I don't even particularly enjoy reading. The book I actually wanted to read, I did enjoy. The few, very few books that I actually enjoy are the ones I want to pick up again and read for hours and not realize the time.

When the new year rolled around I felt unnaturally weepy which is highly annoying since I don't consider that a part of my being. I guess the new year is a time for reflection so without even trying I was thinking about the previous year and my hopes for this year. I find the practice of a new year's resolution revolting, but unfortunately I couldn't help myself this year or probably some of the last years as well. I can't believe it's 2010, that just seems unnatural. How can it be a whole new year? I wasn't done with the last one. Last year I didn't get a boyfriend, a date, or win any screenwriting awards. I didn't get a career, move out of my dad's house, or have a doctor's appointment of any kind. What I did do is get a steady part-time job, pass those stupid CSETs, gain admission to a teacher credentialing program, and finish that first quarter of the program. I can't believe I'm putting myself through this again, this thing we call school. I really want to do this, I just wish it were over already.

So, yes new years resolutions, can we just call them rare hopes for the future? #1 Have a boyfriend by the end of the year, or at least a useless string of bad dates with either one or many different boys. #2 Stop being manipulative. #3 Stop throwing in jokes that make fun of people in front of the said people (and obviously not to their backs either) even when it's in good taste and said people also laugh. And my always resolution for all time: be as selfless as possible/loving etc. By this time next year I'll either be dreading the previous year, be too busy to care, or be happy and reflective and how great the previous year was. How rare! So, in any case, I hope that by this time next year, I (and actually by June something or other) will have a teaching credential, a significant other (to be super duper hopeful - more likely have had a couple dates with actual boys who like me), a teaching career in one of the two schools I wish to teach at or at least be a substitute teacher who enjoys teaching, have my own place or at least be close to having the money to do so, and become a better human being all around.

The near future is interesting and terrifying. It should have horns since it is very fitting. On Monday I start school again and observations at my student teaching placement. I realize that this week should actually be fairly easy. I'm thinking about the week after when I'll be standing in front of a group of 30 or 35 8th graders supposedly teaching. I don't yet know how to do that. But the week after next, Monday through Friday, I'm expected to teach one full period everyday. And the week after that, two full periods until March something or other. And during that time I have to film myself teaching, write a report about 60-80 pages long (which includes all the lesson plans for a week), and pass it since it's a test that means I get or do not get a credential. I realize that I'll have two additional times to take this 'test.' But come on, do I want to do that more than once? I hope I enjoy teaching because if I don't, I'll have to drop out of the program and figure out what I do want to do with my life. Don't get me wrong, teaching seems like something I would love to do, but there's a difference between the concept and actually doing it and enjoying it. We'll see.

I'm sure this is really long, but let me just add one thing about me and being private. I sometimes think I give away too much information and other times, none. Being a private person involves loneliness since you can't share yourself with anyone. If you can share yourself with a select few then you are alive and understood. I go through life alone and sometimes telling lies. Like when you say, 'I'm fine' and you're not or when you let someone believe something about you that isn't true because you want them to think of you as a concept and not as your true self. This is why I tell a select few my thoughts and secrets. For now, this select few is ever-changing and fleeting, but one day I hope to have one person who knows me all around who I can never lie to then I will never be alone. I consider myself a private person in that sense. In the sense that most of my world is composed of telling everyone nothing and a couple people nearly everything. Not including this blog, which frankly would be embarrassing if everyone I've ever known read it (which is possible with the internet, but I don't worry much about it, there's nothing bad here). I know myself and it takes a lot of effort to show others who I am.

Also, this year, I'd like to completely finish the screenplay I started in 2006. Once I do that, I'll re-submit it to many contests and actually write those query letters I've thought about doing many times since I'm a screenwriter and it's my duty. I need to do all I can to fulfill that nagging dream that I love and will probably love forever even though I'm becoming a secondary school English teacher. How can I become a teacher? Isn't that just crazy? I can't imagine that little girl who cried in the sixth grade when she forgot her beach towel at home for a class trip to the water slides speak in front of a whole class of students. Cross your fingers and don't uncross them until June something or other.