Thoughts

My life goes from boring to interesting and during that I go through tons of thought processes. The last week was bad. I didn't sleep well and I wanted to hate food, but it called out to me. I mostly listened to my ipod and rested most days when I had free time. I listen to music, but that was out of the ordinary. Usually I like to watch lots of TV. I did that too, but not at all as much. I suppose you could say that I was sad this last week culminating in a good cry last night. I don't usually cry and usually I can't even when I wanted to so I had to try really hard to cry last night. But I succeeded in working myself into a top-notch cry and heal whatever sadness I had been going through. I can't say that it's gone, but I'm actually looking forward to time off from school. I'll have time to put myself into a few projects that I'm really looking forward to working on. These include actually working on my screenplays which I haven't gotten the chance to work on and planning for my student teaching in January.

Today at work, I worked on revising a prized screenplay of mine because it sucks. I mostly just crossed out scenes that were boring or unnecessary or just didn't work. I always dread revising, but I have the goal of making this one screenplay win something because of it's possible greatness. I miss having goals in life so any great goal makes me feel good.

Yesterday, I told one my friends some intense stuff which he barely reacted to which I both liked and didn't like. I want him to care more, but I also know that he's not going to tell anyone and at least if I need him, I can talk to him. When I text him now, he actually responds and usually in a timely manner which is a step in the right direction. And generally with good advice. Out of my friends, I listen to his advice most and that's usually because I agree with his advice and I don't agree with my other friends advice whether theirs is more right or not. As far as dating goes, I would enjoy dating him even if it's short-lived. He works for my dad and just wants to be single for a while though. And because of the guy code, as my brother's best friend, he refused to tell me if he's attracted to me. There was an awkwardly funny moment; however, where he threw a piece of bagel at an inappropriate area and said "If you continue doing that, I'm going to throw more food at your vagina." After which, he started laughing at his own weird sentence and I laughed too. Don't get the wrong idea, he's just weird in general and probably does that kind of stuff with all his girl-type friends. And if anyone asks, his excuse is brain damage.

I'm dreading student teaching because it seems to loom so much closer. I wish time would stop so I could just sit in bed and do nothing that would be good (and obviously bad). I get fussy when I'm bored. I don't get bored easily. I'm scared of teaching, of standing in front of students with them looking at me expecting me to talk to them and possibly teach them something, and make sure they are behaving. All whilst I have actual classes, work, boy troubles, and the PACT ( a teaching event which is a really long video project test which I have to pass to get a credential).
To be perfectly honest, I quarter want to drop out of the program because of the thought of the next two quarters. Plus the whole thing where I dread my whole entire future and hope that God kills me sooner rather than later if I'm just going to be unhappy the rest of my life. Today I'm content and I really like that. But bad things keep happening and have been happening and I don't see that changing. There's little hope that I will have a significant other at any point, especially one that will marry me. So, I'm just peachy about my life. If I can just pour myself into my work and gain some intrinsic rewards from that, I might live long enough to find out.

Waiting

I'm not a very patient person, but I know I have to be. It comes with the territory of being alone. It's okay to be alone. I have two or three friends and some email buddies and some other people I happen to hang out with. Far too many acquaintances. That's not to say that I'd rather they be friends, but I enjoy being friendly, it adds to my sense of community and general liking of the world around me. I started writing a new screenplay where I examine my brain through past experiences. It's written through montage of memories coupled with present day encounters and voice overs that just happen to be not voice overs and true on screen dialogue like asides in plays. I was just watching Jules et Jim by Francois Truffaut, my favorite director and got to feel non-linear for a while. It's so weird to watch the contrast between Hollywood and certain foreign films. They are surprisingly different. It makes me wonder how idiotic people are when they naively say that foreign films are boring. Hollywood just happens to spoon-feed everyone information and occasionally happens to create emotions and stuff while true film auteurs make you think in awe of their film world, think in new ways you hadn't imagined before.

I had a fun day today, but like all days they happen to be filled with too much thought. If I thought less, maybe I would be even more content. I'm calm and often peaceful, most often content unless my mind gets away from me and sometimes even energetically odd. The last few weeks something has been bothering me and at the same time bringing me closer, making me happier than usual for mere hours of the week and making me impatient for it to come again the rest of the time. Something else is recent which I'd like to package back into the past and I've done a fairly good job. These bothers contain a specific item from the past and one that is in the present. A specific item in the present that makes me falter in the past and hope or despair for the future. What about my future? I'm going to be waiting a while. I have to get used to that. I still feel like I'm always waiting no matter how long. I'm not patient as stated. I will be waiting for this nameless thing because that is all I can control, my ability to wait. Which as stated, is no ability of mine. I'll make it mine and hope for a better future. I wish this school year were over and I would have my career and start my life.

Note that my career is not one of the two items above. This quarter is almost over and then I have two more to dread and hopefully enjoy. I truly hope I enjoy them because then I'll probably enjoy teaching too. I will be teaching during the next two quarters. I worry about the next two weeks. I have a faire to coordinate. I hate that. It's the holidays again and here I am. I went up for Thanksgiving last year with my brother. The year before that my mom was alive. A week or so after Thanksgiving, we had Christmas since Mom wouldn't live to see it. Don't be sad about that, I only feel calm about it, it's almost comforting, sadly comforting, but not an open wound. I won't be looking around at the happy faces this Thanksgiving wondering where Mom would have sat, I didn't last year either. Somehow, unlike everything else, I accepted her death far too fast, faster than her death, in fact. What a luxury. I admire myself on that point. And as many know, I could do with more humility, so could my brother.

None of this matters since it's a secret, right? That's the great thing about writing. It's comforting and calming just by its act. I feel better. I've been writing a lot lately. I've been impatient lately. I've been everywhere lately. Right now, I'm just content and that's how I like it. I wish my life would speed up and at the same time slow down. I want to know what's coming next, but I also am always far too shocked when it comes.

Time

Why am I not tired? It's midnight and I am always tired. Maybe I'm just anxious. Realistically there are about two weeks of school left (not including Thanksgiving or finals week) with about seven assignments/projects due. I've virtually stopped doing the readings since we either beat them up to death in class or don't refer to them at all. Though I do have to read an entire book, it's about 250 pages and I'm 80 pages in. Included in the assignments is about three weeks of lesson plans and tons of things that go with them. IT's awesome!? In odd news, I'm learning to skateboard to impress a guy and because I've always found it fascinating. I've never been coordinated so doing anything where you have to be highly coordinated is simply amazing to me and I want to master being able to move speedily without falling off. I haven't fallen yet, but I've been really cautious and I plan to stay that way. I suppose I'm super superbly stressed out right now and for the past few months. You see, not only am I in a rigorous teacher credentialing program, but I'm fair coordinator of a big street faire. Plus I get to fear the next two quarters of the program which I've heard are way worse. I say that they are worse for two reasons: the PACT which is a display of my ability/inability to teach and will mean I get a credential or not and secondly, I have to actually teach in front of live students who are adolescents. Do you want to hear something creepy and unrelated to everything else here? Probably not, but here goes. I looked up my name "nerdscreenwriter" in google and it was completely off putting (and please don't look it up, it's insanely creepy to think about). First of all, it has this blog listed, but more interesting is that some videos I posted to youtube are listed and have apparently been posted on sites all over the world. What I find most creepy is that some of the websites the videos have been posted to have names like: funnyvideos and hotyoutube which is ironic because they happen to be videos about cancer. I found my videos on websites in German, some Asian languages, some kind of Russian (I think), and Spanish. I am actually really pleased that it's made it around, some people must like it, and I personally don't care much about copyright, but it's like taking off a mask because now I realize it's going on and it's totally weird. At least I've got nearly two google search pages to myself or my pseudonym, apparently. This is really weird. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised by the world anymore. Here's to getting through the school year in one piece. Get tired! Be sleepy, you! Be less anxious, you must concentrate tomorrow since you will see an important person tomorrow!

Stressors

School started at some point in the recent past, but at this point is now a despairing blur of technicalities and reading. But still fun, I think. I enjoy learning to some extent, but schools enjoy making that as difficult as possible (note that this is no reflection my teachers who are all good). I missed the first day of school because of fatigue and lightheadedness and the school's paranoia about swine flu which I didn't have, but was pleased to stay home. About that time my financial aid was revoked and I had to have a couple conversations with various people and some applications and signatures which ended this week in me having to get student loans for the first time since they refused to give me any money. The icing on the cake is having it happen around the first days of school instead of, maybe, months before that since they had all the information they needed to do so at that time as well. One interesting thing is that the grant money they promised me is sitting in my bank account. My school account is on hold, I'm guessing they are displeased with me. What can I do about it? I'm not paying registration fees until I get money to pay for it. I wish I knew more about loans now. I have no idea what they want me to do and days keep passing with money not where it should be. I did get out of a writing skills test they were planning to make me take which I will likely get a partial refund for. I'm trying to get everything done. I like that the school has such a awful system that whenever they need info or anything from you, instead of actually sending you an email, they expect you to track down what they want from you without knowing that they need it from you or how you are to complete it. That's what I've been dealing with for the past couple weeks. (note that a lot of schools don't have this problem. UC Berkeley for instance has a wonderful email notification system. I refrain from mentioning the school I go to now since I'm already at odds with them for something out of my control). Also I was going to apply for a Fulbright Scholarship through said school, but now have to do it "At-large" since the adviser was going to give me a sucky recommendation because of my major.

One anecdote I'd like to slip in here is that one of my co-workers and I had a lot of fun Saturday messing up one of our other co-workers youtube accounts which was left on the work computer. After adding lots of odd videos including: I'm a cute kitten, a stormtrooper doing a lude dance, some boy band videos, the trailer to Twilight, a scene from The Golden Girls, some Barbie ads, and a Fabio video; we proceeded to change his entire profile page. This included changing the background pink with N'Sync wallpaper, changing all of the information about him including that he likes to show off his legs and thinks he's a stud, and changing his profile picture to a slightly overweight older man wearing a loin cloth and some odd leather straps in an interesting and almost masculine pose. Since then, he has gotten a new account because of "hackers." I texted him today to mention that maybe there was some "mutiny" among the co-workers that resulted in this display of playfullness. It will live on forever in a nice Word document saved to the work computer which I will soon email to myself and have the pictures forever.

Back to school; however, I am swimming in reading. I always have between 12 and 20 reading assignments per week on top of at least one assignment, attending classes everyday except Friday, work on weekends, and my fair coordinating duties. Plus I might be tutoring 2 hours a week and I have to observe in schools on Fridays. I'm busy in any case and am stressing out. I'm not one to get many zits, but the ones I'm getting now because of stress take forever to get off my face. I've got two or three (in various stages of healing) on my face right now and they seem to be really vindictive and refuse to go away. They're not particularly vulgar, large, or gross, but I hate getting them. Another stress factor is my insomnia. For the past 3 or so nights I've had some form of insomnia, some related to the allergies I have been having at night which I usually don't have at bedtime. Last night, I slept okay and was actually able to sleep-in minus my insane neighbor throwing things around and making incoherent babblings outside my window at midnight for nearly half an hour. That was really fun. Then he complained to my stepmom and made her clean up the mess that he said our other neighbors had made. She's really got to start calling the local mental institution for assistance. There's really no arguing with him since nothing he says makes since or has anything to do with anything.

I also attended a movie premiere in my hometown called Lizard Boy which I was in for a couple seconds. I brought my brother's friend Phil to it. It was interesting and fun.

To do list: read, stay in school, get band for street faire, don't die, sleep well, get through this quarter, have time to chill and watch TV, get boyfriend, try to have fun.

Tomorrow, next week, and tonight, not in that order

I've been waiting for tomorrow since there's a staff meeting in which I may (if he shows up) get to ignore and/or sneer at the boy I dated and who has since been ignoring me because he has to "run 8 miles a day," etc. He's a gorgeous 18 year old who is a complete flake and going into the military, what an idiot. Plus, then when I see him I'll be certain we're not dating. He came into work and said he's sorry for not calling and then he hugged me (he's a hugger). Before that, I completely thought we were over. But that just confused me. But I'm thinking we're over now. In any case I have a premiere to go to and I need a date. First, I'll make sure I'm not dating him and then try to get my actual first choice to come with me. I may be confusing, but I'm boy confused anyway, not that there's a need - neither cares about me. The other boy, my first choice in dates, is my brother's best friend and works for my dad. I've liked him for a year and he's only managed to like me for two whole hours. What is nice with him is that I've casually liked him for a year - I haven't gone crazy over him or pined my life away or anything. It's been nice to simply be annoyed that a boy doesn't like me. He has plans to get drunk with his guy friends for one of their birthdays that night, I think I might still manage to get him to come with me out of pitty and because my birthday happens to be next week as well. He's been friendlier lately, maybe he'll be my friend. He can get drunk after the movie anyway.

I think I have insomnia. The last two nights I've gone to bed really late after being wired and yet tired. Then lying in bed for two hours before falling asleep. The other night I had a dream about shrimp-crabs or some form therein. I was on a boat and mind you that I'm terrified of drowning so boat + dream normally equals = panic-stricken death. But it was alright. I was running from the shrimp-crabs and some attractive guy was protecting me. I don't think I've had a dream until that night where there was water in a dream and nothing particularly bad happened. Though the shrimp-crabs reminded me of spiders and eek. There was a thick gross spider in my bathroom sink last night. It refused to die, but I got to him eventually.

As it actually relates to screenwriting, I'm trying to write down anything weird that can be added to my tv show dialogue and any situation comedy that can be added to the plot. Like the preschool kid Bryan who I teach at church. When we prayed at the beginning of class, he had me pray that he would come over to my house and clean it. He loves vacuums - that's all he wants for birthdays or Christmas. Did I mention he's five years old? He'll be an excellent addition to my tv show. Also, I was planning on sending out some query letters; however, with school starting I think I ran out of time. Soon then. Maybe winter break - if I don't have a hernia by then. I'm such a lazy workaholic.

School starts Tuesday. That sucks. Nuff said. Although I'm excited to learn new things and meet cute guys, I'm kidding I don't enjoy meeting new people, especially the girls at school who always seem to look like the same boring cheerleader types who sneer at you.

I'm just so confused, wired, and slapstick tired. Please pray for no spiders in the sink or anywhere else for that matter. Oh, and I applied for a Fulbright Scholarship - not done with that lengthy application process just yet, but it's an English Teaching Assistantship in Germany. I just have to learn German.

Premiere

I started writing a TV show the other day. I think it sucks right now. I have so much experience watching TV that I would hope to be better. I think I've got the story part just fine. I just need to make sure to write down all the weird little things that happen during the day so I can expand it to plot. Like how I gave my dog fleas. Not kidding. I was painting a flea infested house and gave my dog Fred fleas. Though frankly, I think they should make human flea medicine since they like to bite me more than Fred. I have been dealing with flea bites (about 40 of them) since Saturday. It's fun. Plus I kind of freaked him out last night by spraying him with flea spray just before bed. It backfired when he raced to my pillow and sat on it. When I got him off the pillow he raced off the bed. He refused to get back on the bed. I had to hold him in bed so that he would stay. Whenever he got 2 inches away from my side, he would jump off the bed as fast as possible. He's a wimp plus he should be running away from me not the bed. I'm the one that sprayed him. He's really trusting (note that he is not trusting of my bed).

I have a movie premiere to go to, but don't get any ideas it's for a really tiny movie. I'm still trying to figure out if I have to pay to get in. It's a sci-fi horror that I worked on last summer. An indie filmed in San Luis Obispo called Lizard Boy. You may visit their website at www.lizardboy.com

I think I might be in the credits (as script supervisor). I've always dreamed of watching my name in the credits of a real movie in a real movie theater. Plus I played a butterfly in it (it was at a Halloween party in the movie). More than likely, they cut out my part. But either way, that's really fine. It would be embarrassing if I were in it.

You know what's weird? I've met or heard a lot about drug dealers lately. It's really strange. And what's more, I've gone on a couple "dates" with a co-worker of mine (the weird part being that I went on a date, not that it's with a co-worker). He used to be a drug dealer. What's more funny is that I found out that the last guy I hung out with (the end of last year) is a drug dealer (note that I heard this through the grapevine) and that he shot and killed a man who was breaking into his house (I also heard this through the grapevine so the accuracy is non-existent). It's more strange since this is such a paradise-y small townish sort of place. Now about the co-worker guy, since I figure he's not that into me - I'm just gonna let it slide away. The little idiot is going into the military anyway (note that he's an idiot for going into the military, not for various other reasons).

School starts the day before my birthday. What a stupid place to put school. That's okay. I haven't started school this late in the fall ever. But it's on the quarter system, which I hate. I will be starting the teacher credentialing program then though technically I started my independent study and I've spent $600 on books, supplies, and parking permit already. I'm taking 5 classes (though I'm getting most of my independent study out of the way so for the most part I'll have 4 classes); however, that's 19 units which will cause internal bleeding and an array of mental health difficulties. Most likely.

The biggest development in my life is my brother's girlfriend (note that this is not because of her weight). He has one and she happens to be my friend who I don't like very much. We're incompatible as friends due to her need to baby me and call me a nag while nagging me about being a nag and a selfish human being. They happen to be very compatible even though my brother is not a nag; however, he is the stubbornest person I know. I hope he marries her because she is an excellent cook. What should happen; however, is that my brother's friend gets with me. He seems to have had a turn-around of sorts. He was a commitment-phobe and he stated the other day "I am going to finish school, move to LA and make some money, then move back here and settle down and have kids." (note that it's also weird that he has a goal in life) That's really a paraphrase, but he really did say something similar. He also called me his friend by saying that if he meets the boy I've been dating he's going to call him Broderson instead of his actual name which is nothing like that because he does that to all of his girl-friends. This is the guy that is immensely fascinated by the nature videos "Planet Earth." I really wish he would like me as more than a friend which he did for nearly two hours a year ago on my birthday which, of course, I pointed out to him when I saw him last by saying "Hey, our anniversary is coming up soon."

I hate being itchy. I hope some of this makes sense, I'm retroactively tired since I have to get up at 7am tomorrow and my bed is far too comfortable. I should really start sleeping on lumps of coal or needles or something.

Catch Up

I don't remember the last time I wrote here. I have a nice summer job that will turn into a nice year long job. I get to play games, read, antagonize children (make that teens), doll out punishments, and most importantly I get two free snacks a shift. I work at a Teen Center that's run by the City. It's great experience and may very well help me land a teaching job in addition to the credential, of course. I started writing a novel, it's not very long, being two pages and all. It also may not be very good. I figured since I've read 11 books this summer, that I would enjoy writing one too. School doesn't start until September 22nd so I have a lot of time to get as much done as possible. My goal at the beginning of the summer was to start writing a television drama which would have been excellent, but I don't have the time to do it. But I'll try, not this summer. I'll start with ideas and lay them out as clearly as possible before I write this one. This summer, I will be playing catch-up on my next street faire, reading a lot, and trying not to spend anymore money after an extravagant shopping trip to Target today (I don't clothes shop frequently, once in a year is not a lot). By the way, my August street faire went excellently. There was minimal crises's and very few complaints. Plus people, many people, actually attended and everyone was pretty much happy. It was better than my boringest dreams. I still have many books to read this summer. And instead of 4 classes I must take a fifth, an independent study course. If all goes well this year, I won't actually die of exhaustion. That is the goal, I suppose. The other goal is to learn everything about English possible. I think I've already forgotten where commas go,



Just kidding.

Question

I was sitting at my computer a second ago with uncertainty. I felt like there was something inside of me that needed something and I couldn't quite place it. Like something wanted to get out. I tried singing. Words don't really express my feeling at this moment. What I'd really like to do is write a book, no seriously. I just don't have the energy. I'm first of all, super stressed out about the street fair that is coming up in three weeks. I did get a summer job working with teens which will look good on my resume and will mean that I actually have some experience so I don't fall flat on my back during the program or therafter. I suppose there are a few other reasons I feel funny, other than stress and sleepiness. I think I saw a dog that I owned a couple years ago and had to give away. It was rather strange. It's not completely clear if he was one in the same, but I have an itch to assume so. He didn't know me at all even though I walked within five feet of him and his new owner. She may have even said to him "Frankie" which is what I named him. Who knows. It just seems like I saw a ghost. It was surreal even if it was just a dog. Another reason is that that reminds me of my mom because I lived with her when I had him and she was right there with me the last time I saw him. What also reminds me of her is that someone only slightly related to me may die of the same disease and has a daughter much like me in the same situation. I feel almost like writing a note, but I don't know that I'd have anything to say, not really. Another reason to feel the way I do is that one of my friends thinks I'm a nag and will nag me about it like she did last night and even though we've put up the white flag it just hasn't been the same. I don't like drama between friends. I like to keep it in the family or not at all. Not at all, preferably. I also feel on the verge of having a boyfriend and yet not having one. There is no solid guy, but a bunch of pieces of them who probably are all unattracted to me. I also just saw Blood Diamond and it, in and of itself, can provide this feeling (in a good way of course since it was well done). I suppose, now that I think of it, the exact feeling that I'm having is of waking up from a dream and not remembering it at all, but feeling like you left it behind as if you should have remembered it. Trying to remember something that isn't even there. I've been reading a lot of books over the summer, as per request. I just finished The Outsiders which I oddly related to among the 5 books (not including Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince) that I read this summer and still have like 8 more to read. I thought this was a summer break. Maybe I should just go to bed, after all the Harry Potter midnight showing is tomorrow night and I may need my rest. If I was the type to have strong positive emotions, I would get enthusiastic. I'll just be quitely content, about that anyway. I'm shrieking and pulling my hair out about the other stuff, you know, inside though.

Money

I was going over my finances today, it was hilarious. In a sad way. I suppose if I really wanted to pay off the debt I've accumulated on my credit cards recently, I might have a stellar $2 (technically $1.32) to my name. But I figure, I actually have to have more money that than that if I wish to drive my car, watch cable and netflix, and give back to society. And eat. So, I will keep the money I have in my checking accounts and continue to go in the negative on my credit cards. I have a job interview on Wednesday. The job description is vague since I don't know what it is, but it's working at a teen center run by Parks and Recreation so it must be a respectable job. I figure it would also give me some good experience with teens which would help me with my possible teaching career. Plus I really want the job and obviously, need the money. With the job market the way it is, it's been really difficult to find one at all.

I find out in one week if I passed that CSET subtest and got into the program. We'll see. I've been sick all weekend if you count Friday and not Sunday. I still have a cough. My dog Fred has been sick as well and I think my brain sang a happy tune and then died after editing two essays I have to turn in at 4pm today. That's the last of my school assignments and I'm basically done with school. Give me an A.

If I do get into the program I'll need to make $1800 this summer which will only pay tuition and not books or my livelihood. At least I'm getting some financial aid otherwise I might have just given up now. Though financial aid isn't a promise with the governor going crazy and all. I hope to make $1000 this year from the faire I'm coordinating, but hopefully $2000 or so. I've been told that I'm getting ripped off, but I really don't care. It benefits local merchants and we don't expect to do all that well anyway. We've only sold 20 booths which completely sucks. The goal was 150. I'd be more than happy with 100. Actually I'd be happy with 80. From my summer job (hopefully) I also hope to make an extra $1000 to pay off credit cards and give me a couple bucks to pay for a few things. Then when I get into the program I can babysit and pick up an hour or two at dad's store occasionally and then get as much food and stuff for free as possible since I'll be dirt poor. Not really though. I suppose I'm rather thankful that I live in an okay/nice house (though currently there's a loud pounding noise coming from the neighbor's music) with a fridge stocked with food, plus I have no car payments, and my car and health insurance is not an issue (though I'm scared to go to the doctor since I have to still pay for appointments). There are a lot of great things about my life.

I'd also like to spend some time ranting about the governor closing many state parks in my area. It's insane and will ultimately ruin our local economy since it relies on the tourism that comes from the state parks. I hope it doesn't happen because I don't want to see what happens to my beloved hometown when it dies. What was he thinking? It may cost money to keep them running; however, it brings back money from tourism 2-fold.

June Planning

My school quarter is almost over. I only have 2 papers due and that's it. I'm trying to get a mailing out to sell booths for the faire I'm coordinating. But all is not calm and quiet. I'm awaiting an answer on the credentialing program. Did I get it in? I get the results from the last subtest of the CSET English on the 15th and that will partially decide my acceptance to the program. If I don't get in, what am I going to do the rest of this year and next year? Am I just lost? One of my teachers told me in her office hours that she has to recommend me to the program. She's given me bad grades on essays that weren't bad. She questioned me about my teaching ability and desire. My other two teachers believe in me, but not her or my advisor. They won't tell me how I did on my professional aptitude interview. I know they are all wonderful at what they do, but help? I thought they told me I could do anything, that was a long time ago. Can I make out a pain resume and send it out? I can do anything still. Let me. As for the faire, we only have 20 booths sold, goal 150. It's on August 2nd. There have been so many obstacles thrown at me with the faire that it's been difficult to do anything. I'm starting to get a slight handle on some things. But I still don't have a summer job which I'll need if I expect to pay my tuition, supposing I get in and if not it'd be great to pay off the small amount of debt I've accumulated in the past month or two on my credit cards. It's weird how you become an adult and people either stop believing in you or they somehow try to believe in you, if they're family. I think it's time to get a boyfriend to rant at instead. Just kidding. I'm an adult, right? What am I doing with my life? It's a ravenous world out there.

A family friend died on memorial day, a commander in Iraq, left behind 3 adult kids and a loving wife, I went to his funeral yesterday, 600 people in attendance, free food anyone? the kids spoke and were so brave and understanding, how did that happen? I remember his voice, distinctive, preaching away in his nonjudgmental wise way, a wonderful man, blown up, less than two months away from home. Different home, better home, now. Do I send them just a card? Do they want my condolences? Does that just remind them they are supposed to be in pain?

As far as screenwriting goes, I plan to write a TV pilot in the summer and flesh out some ideas for some films. First I have to learn how to write a TV pilot. I've watched more hours of TV than most, but I've never written it. I naturally go for film writing since it comes more easily to me, oddly. Certainly English grammar is more foreign. I like to be creative. I still want to be a middle or high school English teacher. Not more than screenwriter. But enough. I hate nepoticism. I would like to kill that beast which used to be useful and is now withering away real talent. How do you make it as a screenwriter? Even as an adult? I want to be living alone with my dog Fred, writing, and of course, eating wonderful food. And of course, not ending up a spinster.

Stress and Relief

They extended the deadline for the Nicholl's Fellowship by one day (May 2nd). I was able to finish with 100 pages, surprisingly enough though that meant I had to write about 50 pages in two weeks. That was real fun. I finished that; however, a couple other duties were deglected a little, like my fair duties and my studying for that enormous test on the 16th duties. On Wednesday I have a huge interview for the program I want to get into. And I should eventually revise the screenplay I submitted, a bit further. Please let me win!

I went away this last weekend since one of my friends had won and completed a Haas Scholarship Award and presented her accomplishments in Berkeley. I finally saved up and bought a sticker for my car that says UC Berkeley Alumni ($2.95). I've never put a static cling sticker on my car so I'll make Dad help me even though it must be terribly easy. When I look under the hood of my car, I'm immediately confused. Even though I've been shown how to the check the oil, it takes a minute to find the dip stick and I just fain stupidity and make someone else do it. I'm sort of lazy, yet this quarter in school, I've surprised myself beyond belief. I suppose this is what having an ounce of energy involves. I've had a ton of homework or what I suppose is a ton of homework on top of my actual work duties. I have no time to do much of anything I actually enjoy except sleep which I seem to never have enough of. I finally have another Pampered Chef show, the woman whom I babysit for decided to save my hide last week and thus later this month I have a show. Though many may not think so, it's unusual for a Pampered Chef consultant to have no shows though it happens to everyone from time to time, it should not be constant. I have some people interested in having shows later but not now. I work at my dad's store two or three times a week but only for 2 or 3 hours at a time. Then again, that's all I can stand and I can hardly stand that. I wish I could make the money I need. I should go see the financial aid office and check and see if I need loans for next year, that would suck. I haven't had loans yet and I despise them since I will be living in constant nervousness and fear once I go into deep debt.

On the bright side, I saw a boy I hadn't seen in two years and now I find him mildly attractive. He's moving to New York. I guess that's okay. I wouldn't expect anything to come of it. In other ponderings, I wonder if my ex-non-friend got married on Sunday, it might have been nice to at least hear yay or neigh on the topic. I could have at least tried to be happy about it but I don't know if I need to be since I don't know if it happened or not. I guess it was terribly stupid to even think I'd be invited. While I was in Berkeley I picked up three books that are going to be difficult to read: Marcel Proust's Swan's Way, Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, and some Virginia Woolf novel. I figured since I was going into English it would be good to start with the biggest/scariest books in the world. Plus they were inexpensive.

No Time!

I wrote 12 and half pages today in my screenplay. I wrote some yesterday but before that I hadn't written in weeks. I realize now that that was a mistake; however, I had no control over that. I'm trying to finish my wonderful screenplay by May 1st and I'm only on page 55. But just think, earlier today I was on page 42. I know there will be a lot of revising because I want it to be the best of the best but I don't know that I have the time. One reason I'm doing this crazy May 1st thing is that I want to enter the Nicholl's Fellowship again this year, among other amazing competitions.

To do list for next week:
Write ten page essay for health class
Read Holes
Read in textbook for other class
Send out massive email and otherwise try to sell booths for fair
Do a million little things for the fair I'm coordinator of which includes checking on the permit, figuring out barricades, hunny huts, fair poster, entertainment, continue gathering info on past fair vendors, etc but not all next week.
Write in screenplay about 20 or 30 pages
Meet new stepbrother in prison
Attend my school classes
Start studying for CSET: English Subtest IV (I passed the other three subtests - at least yay on that!) which includes learning to write grammatically correct. I'm a screenwriter, this is foreign to me. It says that for this subtest, unlike the others, one must possess above the general content knowledge in order to pass. At least I failed the hard one.
Put together what's needed to move forward with the kid's film me and the kids at this private school are making. We only have 7 or 8 weeks to plan and complete this film.

If I stop sleeping maybe I'll get it all done. That's just one example, I've been the same amount of busy for weeks.

I hate being busy, it sucks. Why do I like commas so much? I have actual circles under my eyes. Though I suppose when you look 17 it's alright. Sometimes it occurs to me that it might be weird to other people that my college years happened when I was 17, 18, 19, and 20 so that I effectively graduated college at 20. It's odd, I guess, to be 21, having graduated college and having had time to take a year off school and now be a grad student trying to get into more hell. And then getting to inflict hell for years to come on unsuspecting teenagers. I'm just kidding on that last part. I hope high school kids enjoy coming to my future English classes.
My bed is so comfortable in the morning that I have trouble getting out of it which is actually unusual. Last week I was late three times because I thought my alarm clock was some weird being that wasn't supposed to be there. Dying is the only way out. Oh, and did I mention I'm going broke rather quickly? I only have $5 in my savings account. I did; however, apply for a third credit card and I figured it would be festive to build up some debt for the first time in my life. Why did I inflict this hell on myself that some people term school? I have a real job it's called I'm busy.

Hope

I had my big test today. The CSET: English with all four subtests. It's a five hour long test and I took every minute, of course, 30 of them I used checking over my answers and essays but mostly to no avail. I knew that some of them would be inevitably wrong but I couldn't figure out which one was right. What's really nice is that I have to wait a month to find out whether I passed. The only way I can see the silver lining there is that at least I'm not waiting to find out if I'm pregnant. This way is a lot simpler. Pass or fail. If I didn't pass I get to pay a lot of money to take it over again and still have the possibility of not passing. I had been so busy studying a subject I actually knew very little about that my life was only about metonymy and apostrophe. Learning everything I could learn about the subject. Of course, during the actual test I couldn't think what an adverb was although I did figure it out. Strangely enough the only author about which a question was asked and of which I have actually read the works, I couldn't remember a thing about. I don't read a lot by the way. I had had to read some of his plays (not that I remembered they were plays) for a film class (not that I remembered which film class) once because they related to some Scandanavian films we were watching. And the question was which literary style he wrote in. I'm pretty sure I guessed correctly though. I really hope I passed. It would make me feel incredibly stupid if I didn't considering that you only have to get a 70% or above.

What was especially fun about this last week was that I also had another test, in health education, a class I am testing out of. I get to take 4 more tests and write a 10 page essay. Before my test today, I was thinking, "if I fail this test, should I bother to take it again?" The thought of more school is daunting. I know I can do it but I hate it thoroughly. Will I even like teaching after all of this trouble? When I left the test site today after being there from 2 until 7pm tonight, I was smiling. I felt embarrassed smiling because I so rarely show emotion. There wasn't even anyone around. From my upbringing, I grew to think emotion was a weakness whether the emotion was positive or negative. My brother and I both are fairly non-emotional although my sister is a bit melodramatic always. And then the cold set in and by the time I got to my car I was deeply shivering. It's been terribly cold lately. Normally this area is fairly even having temperatures mainly in the 70s during the day and 50s and 60s during the night. But lately it's been getting under 40 and 30 at night. On Wednesday of this last week, there was ice frosted on my car. In any case, I was happy about finishing the test. I was surprised that I was so happy. Which surprised me too.

Tomorrow I get to start studying for my next health education test. I got an 86% on my first and I feel slightly stupid because it was such an easy test that I should have gotten an A on it. I used to think it was stupid to try to get A's, why bother, right? But there's very little reward in my life without it. The classes that I will be taking (hopefully) at the university that will dwindle my savings down to zero will be starting March 30th. How fun! Just to note, you can always tell when I'm being sarcastic because I just used an exclamation point but I don't actually get excited about anything so don't get the wrong idea. I'd better want to be a teacher now. This sucks. I haven't had any time to work on my screenplay that I want to finish by May 1st if not sooner. I have Pampered Chef parties, advertisements to make people pay for, and faire coordinator duties. Plus studying. Plus my dad says that we should organize his store's backroom which has been messy since its inception more than 20 years ago. I was going to talk about hope and the hope that I have in passing my test and being happy about my life but I've realized now that it's a mute point. Let it be a month from now. Or a year. I need peace and quiet. Take me to whatever time that's going to happen. And send me a good-looking boyfriend who has a conscience while you are at it or just send me a boyfriend, preferably one that's equally annoyed with the world.

Illness and Stuff

I've been watching a whole lot of TV because there's this awful cold/cough thing going around and it was inevitable that I would get it too. I have a horrible immune system. I've had a couple colds this month. What was super about it was that I couldn't breath. I've never had a cough like that. I had a cold last Thursday and then I was basically fine. Got a cough Saturday and started having major breathing problems. I didn't sleep Saturday because every time I tried to sleep, I would start not breathing and have to switch positions. The hypochondriac in me was worried I was going to die from pneumonia which I didn't have. Plus I sounded like one of those laser-tag guns. I did learn something about screenwriting during my television time, mostly from Gilmore Girls. Making problems is easy. Just have your characters over-react to non-problems and there you have it. Gilmore Girls actually has amazing writing, any screenwriter should envy it. On Sunday my breathing sounded more like a low-candy wrapper and I got a good night's sleep Sunday night. By Monday I could breath properly. I'm still tired. It's weird to be tired and dizzy at 10pm. I have to get up at like 7 tomorrow to go to a board meeting for the Merchant's Association since I'm fair coordinator. I had a good Pampered Chef show on Friday despite occasionally coughing and being really self-conscious about it. Although the guy that likes me kept trying to get me to give him a 10% discount. I'm working on my sales. I have two shows next month plus a catalog show. This week I'm traveling to Visalia, hell on earth. I lived there for two years. I love the people who are hosting the show though. Friday, I get to do a ton of collating, stapling, and labeling for the Chamber of Commerce newsletter. I wonder if they're going to pay this month. I know they owe me for last month but I have done basically nothing this month and they're losing money on the newsletter and are going to have to stop running it sometime soon.

The biggest thing to happen is that my 'friend' or not or whatever had emergency brain surgery today. I have a huge crush on him. He's my brother's best friend and he has worked for my dad for five years. He's that guy who when he was a child super glued his sock to the new linoleum floor with his foot inside it. He's that guy. He's also the guy who, when he has a car, drives cars into shopping carts for kicks. He hasn't had a working car in a while so he rides a bike and lives with his mom, which probably saves his life from time to time. He doesn't wear a bike helmut either. He was riding home in his bike last night from a friends house nearby at 12:30. There was a tree limb in the middle of the road and although he saw it, not in time to prevent doing some flips over it, landing on his head, and getting lots of scrapes. He had his mom pick him up in her car and get him home. He refused to go to the emergency room. I've heard that he had some missing hair on his head with scrapes there. At 3:30 in the morning he was throwing up. He had a concussion and should have gone to the emergency room at least then. But his mom couldn't convince him and he went to bed. In the morning he couldn't be woken so he had a fun ambulance ride. They did a cat scan and found he had bleeding in the brain. So, surgery. He pulled through the surgery alright. I was there to hear this news, with my dad, brother, the mother of him, and some of her co-workers. He went to ICU from there and he's going to be unconscious for a little while. He may or may not have brain damage. I hope he doesn't.

I was having a conversation with him, the first in a while, about why bad things happen to people. I said it's because it gives us wisdom. We would never grow without it. I don't know if he believed me or if that's the whole answer. He's actually a very philosophical person. He's been trying to figure out if God exists. I hope his search ends with this. He's had a lot of hard things in his life and this is another hard thing. It's awful but truly happy people often come out of situations like this even if they weren't happy before the awful thing happened to them. Things like this can give a person a whole new outlook on life and I really hope that happens. Obstacles help creativity, especially in filmmaking. His annoying girlfriend is coming up tomorrow to visit him. People turn to prayer at a time like this and his girlfriend's roommate has been working on a 'prayer chain' whatever that means. You can't always neglect something forever and then turn around and hope it's there when you turn around. But I think it's always good for people to remember God no matter when or how it happens. A little light is always good. We don't know in what ways God controls these things. A lot of us just know that He does. There's a plan for the good and the bad. I hope that my friend gets some wisdom and some faith, and maybe even a new outlook on life. I mostly hope that he comes out with no brain damage (and being single again, he he - just kidding).

I get to pay to be poked with small sharp needles tomorrow; acupuncture. I have a meeting on Thursday (well two, one with someone for a school thing) with a small production company that put ads on craigslist looking for 'young' talent: actors, writers etc. It's possible they sell drugs and stuff (but note that I love craigslist). They don't have a website and I haven't found any information on them except that the guy I talked to posted on a blog about some skateboarder guy who moved to Utah or somewhere. I didn't actually like the guy on the phone. First of all, I could hardly understand anything he said. He was either a former auctioneer or I'm lost. I don't think he knows what pronunciation is. I didn't like his voice anyway. There are a lot of tiny production companies around here. Usually two man operations that do small commercials for local tv. They have a good location though there aren't any really shady places around here.

I've lost many hours studying for that big test on March 14th because I've been sick and lazy. I'm surprised I actually know what synecdoche means. That's crazy. I still haven't figured out the 3 types, 8 classes, and 3 cases of pronouns. I have so much to do. This morning when I found out about my friend, I couldn't do anything like sit or eat. But very quickly my dad was leaving to visit so I went with him and the butterflies in my chest simmered down. Let's face it, studying was a lost cause today.

Work

I am now on page 38 and two pages under my estimate. Not bad but I want to add some scenes to spice up some scenes that I had just put in there because I needed scenes. I also want to add a tiny bit of length. If I compromise on pages now then I'll keep doing it until I end up with a much shorter screenplay than I wanted. In addition, I would like to add some Indie film attributes to it because I don't want it to be too Hollywood or go so far as to be a made-for-TV-movie type movie.

I have one problems in my life currently. One is rather insignificant and the other is rather important. Of course, if I add in the fact that it has been raining a lot lately and my bedroom window has major issues than I have a third issue. Not only is my window letting in rain so that it soaks the window seal (which could have been a hazard had we not noticed it because the water was about to drip onto an electrical outlet) but it also is starting to grow mold. Whether it's hazardous or not, it is still a problem since I have allergies and this is right where I sleep. One fun fact about my bedroom is that just before I moved in, we had to take out a piece of wall in the closet to deal with mold growing there (due to a leaking water heater) but we also found within that wall, an ant farm. We have ants in our house frequently and my bedroom gets them crawling through every couple hours (just a couple ants) but our bathroom and kitchen sometimes get it too. And by bathroom sometimes, I mean I'm constantly getting out of the shower, drying myself off, and finding an ant crawling on my shoulder. And I'm constantly killing them around the sink. What's especially nice is that we constantly have spiders in our shower because of it. The ants aren't coming in trails, they're just one by one and randomly walking around our bathroom. It doesn't help that my stepmom will leave banana peels and old drinks in there. My dog Fred is still confused when he realizes they exist which he seems to realize and seems to forget because he's always rather puzzled when he sees one.

My much larger issue is that I'm going to go completely broke in a few months because I have to take three classes through continuing education at the university nearby. It's $220/unit and I have to take 10 units. That and the fact that I have to pay for gas and food means that I will have no money very soon. I'm grateful that I don't pay rent and I don't have many expenses but I also haven't been all that frugal lately. I should be getting financial aid next year but I'm on my own this quarter. My sales are excellent at the Pampered Chef shows but I have so few of them that I really don't make all that much money. If I had just one a week, I would be doing fine. I actually am doing three this month which is excellent but in January I had one and next month, so far, I only have one booked. I prepare the newsletter for one of the local Chamber of Commerce's but they say that if I don't also get businesses to advertise in the newsletter that my job will become obsolete. That's a pretty penny each month. Then there is babysitting. My babysitting hours have been split in half because of the husband's promotion at work. I still haven't gotten substitute teaching work and the district that does most of that isn't hiring because they have too many subs and now they only allow students doing student-teaching. I am approved at a district with only one school but no one has called in sick yet. It almost makes me pray that one of the teachers does get sick.

The other option right now is to put in hours at my dad's store. Today he gave me a lecture on how all of his employees love their jobs and want to work there. It's just an electronics store, well two. He said that I was being terribly immature in thinking that most people hate their jobs claiming that it's just a 'teenager thing.' I think I'm right but I started thinking about it and I still think I'm right. The thing is that all I want to do is write for a living and I find all other work basically meaningless. It makes me a rather lazy worker. I know this isn't true of most or at least some screenwriters but it's true of me. I can't imagine doing some meaningless job and enjoying it. I wonder if people who have normal jobs, like in an office working 9 to 5, if they actually get up and enjoy going to work. I can't imagine but maybe some can. I don't get that. I had to go and cover lunches at my dad's store even though he had three employees working. I got to do 18 daily reports which are actually very easy and I like that kind of mundane work. And then I got to price two really small orders. Plus I got to do it all with a smile even though it didn't come from my heart. I really don't enjoy working at my dad's store although I do actually get some pleasure from working with that guy I'm attracted to (a different guy from the guy mentioned earlier, this is a guy whom I let know I don't like him anymore and that we can't be friends). He's basically slept with everyone in our unincorporated city, which is rather disgusting but I guess it does say something about his charm. I wish I could still get all obsessed about a hot celebrity guy because my fixations are rather unhealthy and I have to deal with them a whole lot more since I come face to face with them on a regular basis. What is really obnoxious is that I have had two people this past year suggest that I try online dating. I'm too young, right? I haven't given up just yet. My point is that I'm going to go broke very soon. I'm a cheap person in general and I love saving money but even I can't keep money in my bank account. Maybe we're all meant to have awful jobs that we don't enjoy.

I'm worried about tomorrow. I'm teaching for the first time. I volunteered at a small private school nearby and I'm teaching the kids there to make a film. Tomorrow I'm teaching for a half an hour to forty-five minutes on film history and then I'll help them make an extremely short stop-motion photography film. Kids can be scary. These kids like me but I've never taught kids before. I've taught grown-ups becuase I do Pampered Chef and I teach nice grown-up types (or in one case a drunk Australian guy) how to cook something and about our wonderful products.

One last thing. My acupuncturist gave me these herbs. They taste awful and you're supposed to drink them. So, I've been putting them in coffee and then adding a cappucino mix or hot chocolate along with sugar and creamer. It works. It's the only thing that works. I'm supposed to take these herbs twice a day for allergies but I've been doing it once per day because I don't usually drink coffee and I don't want to go overboard with it. Plus coffee doesn't actually do anything for me. I would love it to give me some energy or actually wake me up. Today, my right nostril has been terribly aggravating. Every time I pushed my glasses up a tiny bit, a nerve in my right nostril would sting painfully for no apparent reason. I had to push my glasses up frequently because they are terribly bent out of shape all the time and if I bend them anymore my eyelashes will be annoyingly touching the rims which frequently happens already.

Constructive Criticism

I was having a pretty good day today. I went in and observed a classroom in which I'm going to be going back to next week to teach them how to make a film. They liked me so all was going well. I went home and found an alarming email. It was alarming to me because I am vastly afraid of any kind of rejection.

Since I figured out that I wanted to pursue a teaching career, I've been emailing an advisor with questions at the school I want to attend. She answered my emails, which weren't that many in my opinion and all with valid questions that hadn't been answered elsewhere even though I'd scoured her emails and the website. I asked her questions about all the vast amount of prerequisites I had to get over with. In any case, she emailed me today and said that I was: not a good listener, not cut out for the credentialing program, was basically unintelligent, and that I should instead attend Chapman. This was all based on a few emails in which I asked valid questions. I knew that I emailed her a lot and although I didn't enjoy it, I still needed the questions answered and afterall, it's her job. She claimed that she had answered my questions when she had not. Here's one example: I've been asking especially about this one course. First of all, it says clearly (and I talked to a credentialing advisor about this) that I do not have to take this course. Instead, if one has the classroom experience with either observing or actually teaching and has 45 hours, they do not have to take the course. At first she didn't say that I had to take the course. So I asked her when I can get this done. Can it be before I'm admitted to the school (I've heard varied answers)? In any case, I figured out that I had to get the prerequisite done before fall even though the other advisor acted like there was some wiggle room there. So, I'd ask her quesitons about it.

I replied graciously to her mean email. Her reply was to not acknowledge that I am in fact intelligent or able to go through the program. She also said that no matter what, I had to take the course 100% even though I have a document and another advisor against her. She could talk to tons of people, even ones high in the community, they would only have good things to say about me. After all, someone put me in charge of The Merchants Faire as faire coordinator, which happens twice a year and brings in at least 4,000 people. As well as the Chamber of Commerce newsletter for the same city. Not to mention that I had a great GPA from UC Berkeley. (She had said in a previous email that it was a disadvantage that I attended there) She made a lot of assumptions and generalizations from our emails. She also claimed that I was starting late and trying to get the university to cover up my mistake. It wasn't a mistake and I'm willing to do whatever it takes but I'm also just trying to see what my options are for each requirement. Why should I do extra work? What I don't understand is what her issues are. Does she hate her job, family life, or what? I don't take rejection well but at least it doesn't have a lasting effect on me. It's certainly not going to stop me though the fact that my own advisor hates me, probably won't be a plus. It's so weird because everyone I know likes me. I'm guessing she'd even hate Bambi if it were human and not a fictional character. But again that is an assumption on my part. School is so going to be fun next year. Although I still have to get in (ooh, how much a 2.75 GPA scares me) and I do have to pass the CSET. I study an hour everyday. I didn't have to study or really do much work at all at Berkeley. Maybe I'm smart or something. I think it's the self-esteem talking. At least I have one thing to hope for: my sales are up for Pampered Chef and I'm hoping to win a cool electric item which is a promotion ending this month. I have two more shows and I think I can do it. If not, I have very little going for me. My babysitting hours have gone down to every other week because the husband got a promotion, maybe that is for the better because I'm going to try to get some substitute teaching work. But I actually do look forward to teaching kids about filmmaking and film history although the embarrassment may be great. At least they like me already. I don't know what is going on in that advisor's life right now or maybe she's always like that but I think she needs some prayers, after all she is taking it out on me and who knows how many other students. I've had some headaches today.

1st Act

I just finished the first act and a feeling of completion has set in but will soon leave when I think "hey, I still have two more acts to go." I'm only a quarter of a page under what I wanted. I don't usually strive for the goal of 30 pages in the first act but as it's the general goal, I thought it would be good for this one, my supposed best one. It's not necessary but I like to write down an estimate of the pages for each action in my outline. It keeps me slightly focused and helps me to make sure I'm getting the pages I want. I think the most difficult part of the outline though is figuring out where exactly to place the 1st and 2nd turning points. Although figuring out what they are in the story tops that. Before I start the outline, I have to have an idea. Once I have an idea, I can start thinking and brainstorming up a story. Once I have a story, I figure out who/what(s): the main character is, the theme, the catalyst, and the 1st and 2nd turning points. And structure it using those things. I know where one act ends and the other begins based on the first and second turning points. Every screenplay has a three act structure but whether and where it has everything else can differ although generally turning points stay the same even in a flashback narrative or group narrative. New structures pop up everyday, however a story always has a beginning, middle, and end whether it's in that order or not.

My chronically drunken neighbor woke me up this morning at 4:30. He went into the common outside area which is outside my window. He was either singing a couple verses of a song or talking really loudly, either way he was not understandable. But that's just the way he is. He can be talking and nothing about it will make any sense. He also called the house this morning and left a long strange message on the machine. And then came by and asked me to read a check someone had given him to make sure that the bank would take it. In any case, it took me a little while to fall back asleep (after the singing or talking) and then I kept waking up and falling asleep and so on. I was already a bit tired because I had one of three possible things yesterday: allergies, a 1 day cold, or a sinus infection. I get that a lot, at least this year. I read that allergies are not a sign of any kind of weakness it is actually a sign of a strong immune system though a rather non-discriminating one.

I get allergies a lot. I went to acupuncture for it but that was also for my neck. I get random pain in my neck and sometimes neck spasms that go away after a couple minutes or so. I go again tomorrow. In any case, my first time (a couple weeks ago) was not very fun. I was laughing quite a bit because my back is very ticklish. Every time she touched me or stuck a needle in me I'd twitch and start laughing. It's not fun. I also can't get a back massage because then I'll start laughing hysterically and it's like torture.

I had CPR training on Friday and was partnered with an older man. I learned a lot about CPR and when it came to the heimleich maneuver, we had to wrap our arms around each other and find each other's belly buttons and then hold each other for a couple extra seconds just above the belly. In other guy news, the man from my church who actually likes me (he's 28) keeps trying to get me to go out on a real date (though he didn't specify the date part) with me. But the way he says it annoys me to death. He say "So, what are we doing for dinner tonight?" Or "What do you want to do for dinner tonight?" Since I didn't say I wanted to do that, ever, and we certainly didn't make any plans for that especially 'tonight,' I don't see how I could possibly want to do anything or plan to do anything that we haven't planned.

I just got my CSET: English book and I started studying that. Let me ask you an easy one: "During the prewriting stage, you might do all of the following EXCEPT: A. Create lists. B. have a brainstorming session. C. research D. Edit for grammar." Another practice question was very interesting (not), did you know that the only indefinite pronoun from the answers listed that can take either a singular or plural verb (among the words: something, each, neither, or none) is none. I didn't.

In any case, I'm really glad I was able to finish the first act and in a timely manner. I only have like 80 or 90 pages left. I do enjoy writing. I hate revising. But the ultimate thing is finishing with an entire screenplay and just thinking "I'm done." It's a great feeling.

Inspiration

I've found it somewhat difficult on occasion to sit down and write. Most writers spend hours just staring at their computer screens. I don't really do that. When I'm in front of the computer, I write. But lately I've felt that my dialogue hasn't been quite as witty as usual. Maybe because the story is a little dramatic and sometimes witty can run straight into cliches or just not sound original. But when I go back and revise, I usually find new ways to say the same thing. I did get a movie from netflix staring Ginger Rogers that I consider research or as much research as I'm going to do on one plot line in my film regarding marriage.

My neighbors kept me up till 2 in the morning. They weren't loud. They were murmuring drunkenly outside my window. And then they played loud music this morning. It was country. I hate country. I had my stepmom call them but what they consider quiet I still consider loud. I couldn't study or write. At least that's my excuse for today. I'm overwhelmed by the things that I have to do to get into the teacher credentialing program at a nearby university. I'm getting CPR certified tomorrow. I have a Pampered Chef party at my house on Saturday. I hate talking in public. I will definitely get over it or flee from all of the jobs I have. I also can't cook and talk at the same time. I hate tests and I have one that will decide what happens next in my life.

I'm also amazed at my friendships. I have very few of them and I understand why. Friends are completely unreliable. (And off on one tangent - I am not a good novelist for the same reason that this article doesn't flow at all - screenwriting is more of a tangent kind of world - although each tangent must have a reason) I have one friend that I have been friends with since middle school but I feel we've grown apart. First I moved away to go to school then came back and she moved away for school. We've emailed for the first time in a great number of months (I think September). The last time I saw her in person was not the best time I've had. We went shopping and then I had lunch while she tried to not look at me as she's completely grossed out by any human being eating. And then she acted really PMS'y after that and was being rather secretive about a family issue. I had a friend from community college and we went to university together and he met someone and got engaged and everything. I like the fiancee a lot better than the friend. We don't really talk at all. I got a new cell phone and purposefully left out his number. I don't have it at all. When I was visiting where they live, I mentioned I would be there (in email) and they were too "busy." There was another friend who's friends with my brother who I told that I don't like him and don't want to hang out with him again. I'm really attracted to him and he has a girlfriend whom I dislike. She acts like Glenda the Good Witch when she's around me and treats me like I'm a whole lot younger than I am in relation to her. My brother has failed to hang out with me for quite a while even though I have a netflix of a Bergman film waiting for him. That's okay I'm on the 3 at a time plan. I hate my room. If I had the money I'd move out of my dad's place in half a heart beat. I'm hoping to get some financial aid for school so it may possibly be a possibility but likely not. I do wish my neighbors had manners. Maybe if they were from Germany. Too bad. They're terribly inconsiderate. My dad yelled at me about me complaining about them making my life difficult. With the economy my dad and stepmom need their rent money. We live in a tri-plex that my stepmom owns. I hear loud booming noises occasionally from their apartment as if the huns are attacking. That's always interesting. I can also hear them in their bathroom, far too well. And they play music loud nearly everyday.

As to the title of this article, let's get on with it. Sorry about that. It takes me about 2 or 3 screenplays to finally get off one inspiration. For a while I was incorporating a guy I liked. Now everything is about my mom. It's so weird to me. It's like she never existed. I don't even understand my own brain most of the time. I dealt with my mom having cancer rather badly, I thought, while she was alive. Since then, whenever I think of her, there's nothing. Sometimes I can even achieve a real smile about her. One thing that's important about her and me is that I was very co-dependent on her before that. I didn't like to go to the bank or the post office without her. I was even going to go to university with her but she got cancer first. It was not fun to go to meetings and places without her and deal with this piece of news. It's helped me to become severely independent (although that may not be saying much). But I remember the feeling of great comfort from her that I felt when she was there for those things. That's one thing I miss yet something that I'm still able to experience even if it's in retrospect. I've just put her into my writing, mainly the plotlines. I need something new soon. But I have one or two still planned regarding that. I don't really even miss her in any real way. It didn't affect my life at all. The cancer did just not the death. No one even believes me. I can't get my dad to stop feeling sorry for me. It's really awful. And I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to run into someone who knew her who doesn't know about it. And I just might. That'll be harder than the death for me. I can't believe it's been over a year. Time went by too fast. The best thing to do when writing is to relate the actual experience and truly transform it into something completely different. At least for me. It was the strangest thing. I went to see something at the school I'm planning to attend and I had the best meeting. I spoke so confidently and it was really surprising like it wasn't even me. I hope it continues.

My dad wonders why I don't take well to working in his store for endless hours. I don't like to waste my time just to make a little money (very little in fact). It's a waste to me. It's not meaningful work. My mom was a hard worker and that's all she did. She never got to go for any of her dreams. I need to devote my life to my dreams. It's important but most people don't realize that. A screenwriter can have a full-time job and just write when they can. And make it someday if they're lucky. Stress is another thing involved here. Stress is one factor in cancer. Stress in general brings disease and illness, even the common cold. Having too many things on my calendar makes me crazy. My dad doesn't care about taking it slow or taking a break. It's always work work work. I know what's important in life. I need time for my dreams and for peace of mind. Something my neighbors are stomping on. My stepmom, the landlord, will now do nothing about them, just let them do what they want. I'm stressed about the CSET (a test) that I have take next month and if I don't pass all four subtests of English then I can't start the credentialing program and I have to wait and take whichever ones I don't pass over and I can't start until I pass. Writing is going to be difficult.

My Life Is Stupid

I'm on page 19 in my screenplay. But I did finally land on a title: Reminiscences. It's kind of a long difficult English word but I like it. And hey, if you don't know what that word means, maybe you should reavaluate your stupidity (much like I did when I lost my car - read on). I also got to research brain tumors. So, ask me anything (I'm just kidding).

The girls at ballet class have mellowed out a bit with their liking of me. Maybe it's because they know I'm going to stay and they don't want someone at all better than any of them. There are 4 or 5 girls that are better than me and then the same amount lesser than me. I think they're mostly in middle school, some younger, some older.

I lost my car today. But it was something so idiotic. I found it but it was mindblowinglystupid. My dad made me go to the post office and I only had time to do it while I was in a nearby city which I am not familar with even though I was born there. So, I parked my car a bit far away because the post office I was going to is in the downtown and parking is difficult and I walked to the post office from there which was 3 or 4 blocks. However, all the streets look the same and I had mixed up the names of two of the streets and on top of that took a different root back. I probably walked an extra 3 or 4 blocks back to my car. Don't I feel like I left my brain at home? It's easier than you think to loose a car. Just try parking at that one mall in Santa Clara or at the Bridge School Benefit Concert at the Shoreline Amphitheatre in Mountain View. I've lost my car there too. Some trivia for those not from the central coast: there is a city here with an alley full of people's bubble gum. It's much less gross than it sounds. It's actually pretty interesting, like a 3D painting. It's not free candy, though (I learned that from Elf). This is in the downtown of the city I lost my car. Most people just call it SLO - pronounced slow. But it stands for three Spanish words. It also has one of the California missions in its downtown. I'm not even going to tell you the name of the city. I know, I hate guessing games too (but the name may be hidden somewhere in this article). When someone asks you to guess, ever, just say a very abrupt "No." Another trivia lesson, this is also the birthplace of Jamba Juice - a big smoothie chain. Once called Juice Club. We have two Jamba Juice's. I hate trivia unless it's about famous people or movies.

I had a dream last night where I was undergoing chemotherapy but I felt fine. I hate girl's night. I was subjected to this by the same friend. Sitting around with a bunch of girls, eating, and talking about the most trivial things to human existence is in fact not fun. Though eating is a great pastime.

At my old middle school, they're getting a video production class next year. I met with the principal of my old high school. They're getting a TV production class and maybe another similar class in the next few years. I hope to teach something like that. I'm working on applying to a school for a single subject credential. I think, hey, am I really cut out for teaching full time? I don't like kids though I guess I just don't really like people. I'm super nice, you would never know it. There are certain people that I love to be around though. And I'm not good at public speaking. There are lots of reasons I may not be good at it. And I'm still not sure I like the idea of a steady job. Ideally, I would just write all day but to do that now, I would have to have my dad pay for everything (and he does a lot of things so that he can hold them over my head) and I would never get out of here. I am going to apply for something called The Fullbright Scholarship Program. I'm trying to get an English teaching assistantship in Germany. I've been using the Rosetta Stone software in German. It's a pretty cool program (both Fullbright and Rosetta Stone). They don't give many scholarships out but it does pay for nearly all expenses. It's 9 or 10 months and for the 2010-2011 year. Maybe I should've hidden that information but that's okay. It's more Christian of me to help others. I hope to finish and get my teaching credential in spring quarter next year so I'd be done and ready for whatever. I just want to be done with school and if I had figured this out before I graduated, I could've been almost done with the program. It sucks. But on top of that, the program has all of these prerequisites that are all stupid. I'm just kidding. I just don't want extra work. I will have to take a bunch of tests so that I won't have to take more classes in subjects that I already know. I think I researched brain tumors too well, there's this weird spot on my forehead right now that feels really hot on the inside. I'm a slight hypochondriac by the way. I better not have a brain tumor. I almost constantly think I have breast cancer even though on another level, I seriously doubt it.

Just eat a lot of kiwi's. I love kiwi's, they have almost twice the vitamin C of an orange, as much potassium as a banana, some Vitamin E, a great source of dietary fiber, plus 4 minerals - calcium, iron, copper, and magnesium as well as some trace minerals - and an antioxidant called lutein. Supposedly the skin of it is edible and adds extra nutrients but who would want to eat furry skin? Plus they help reduce blood clots. I wonder if I get those. I clot really easily. I know this because it happened when I was donating blood (and in general when I get cuts of any kind, that I stop bleeding almost right away - for instance when I got all four wisdom teeth out, they put gauze in and I barely got that wet with blood before I stopped bleeding completely and didn't have any bleeding problems at all, it was literally a few drops of blood from surgery and that's it even though they give you a ton of gauze). I know that I get aches in the center of my arms and legs randomly and infrequently when I cease eating kiwi's for about a week. But that could also be a potassium defiency, even if only slight. You may cease being bored now.

I thought I would have more interesting things to talk about but then I realize it so matches the title of this article anyway.

Conflict and Drama

I was reading Syd Field's book Screenplay and an idea occurred to me for a screenplay. I couldn't tell you how I come up with ideas, I guess I just watch enough TV that they just sort of fly into my brain. I'm on page 15. But what really got me was the fact that I was doing things all wrong before this screenplay. Sure, I've written 6 screenplays and they're okay. I love a couple of them but it doesn't catch competition's eye. And that's because I write about my life and although my life is interesting at times, it has simply winded down quite a bit. Unfortunately when my life was really interesting I didn't have screenplay structure down yet. I enjoy writing about the everyday life, that is, everyday life with lots of interesting things happening. One great example from a while ago, The Bicycle Thief (winner best foreign film, Academy Awards, 1949).

My writing just isn't dramatic enough for right now. I like to write comedies that are dramatic yet very realistic to everyday life. There are two thoughts on that subject. One is that people go to the movies to escape their lives so they want something that is new and different. The second thought is that people want to connect with what is happening on the screen to better understand their own lives. I usually side with the latter but until I win a competition it's important to side with the first. Obviously, most screenplays have both because the audience needs to connect on some level with the film and you want it to be something new and unique but realistically you can't do justice to both of those ideals. Like action films. How many people go out on spy missions and get attacked by wild zombies? Some people have some type of action in their lives (like mountain climbing) but most don't. So you have to connect on some other level, so they add in some sort of emotional connection but with an action movie it is very minimal. You are only there for the action. Now there is one genre which I feel is lacking in a lot of other ways but which generally holds both of those and that is the romantic comedy. It is fairly new and different to our own lives (though it's pretty much always the same thing over and over again but it's different from our lives) and we can relate because we've all been in relationships of one kind or another and are able to bond with the characters over it.

Back to my own works, I draw normally from foreign films and although lots of things happen and they're generally weird, when you're explaining the plot, not that much happens in a lot of those films (or in some independent films here in the US). I like that. But I also like super dramatic films that end well yet open-ended. Right now, I need to write at the height of the dramatic so that I can catch someone's eye and then I can widen that a bit and write more of what I want so long as it's good. Another problem with my writing is that I sometimes draw too much from my own life. And let's face it, it's thoroughly difficult to structure our own lives. So, I started writing a tremendously dramatic film that I think will actually catch someone's eye because it's dramatic and has a clear focus. I feel that drama's are a good genre to start with because it's the easiest way to get your audience to connect with your characters which is one of the most important things other than the actual plot and narrative structure. The best thing to do to come up with an idea like this is to think, hey, what would be really awful if it happened to me? What misfortunes have I had and what other situations involve the same kind of emotional pain? Usually disease, death, or other illnesses are really great in drama's. Also, the parent/child relationship is also very interesting. I don't like accidents because sometimes that just ruins the film for me. But other sorts of pain and horrible situations are really good. But it's also good to have a balance. After a horrible scene, they might have a more lighthearted scene, if is works, of course. Have a little comedy, even a one liner after something dramatic happens. It's almost essential to have that balance (unless it's a holocaust movie or something). There's so much pain and suffering out there that screenwriters are just out there to use. It would be very helpful if screenwriters were also trained doctors then much less research would be needed.

One funny thing that happened to me this week was that the four year old girl I babysit asked me "when is there going to be a little baby inside your belly?" Kids say the strangest things. And the answer is many years from now, I would hope. I don't actually like kids all that much, at least not most kids and not young kids. Four is actually an okay age. They're still cute enough that you never ever want to slap them. Although the little girl likes me enough that I don't think she'll be too much of a problem. Surprisingly enough, I like middle school/high school age kids better, a lot better. Sure, they're snooty and snotty and highly immature but they can also be smart, helpful, and responsible. It depends on the kid. The thing that probably annoys adults most about middle school/ high school kids is that they hate adults. So, they'll look at you funny and crack jokes and laugh at you. Just laugh back, all kids hate that. And I don't mind because they can't drive (most of them), or make their own decisions, and they all really just want to be older. Since I have what they want, why would I care about them making fun of me? I enjoy laughing anyway.

This Is Your Life

I've recently had many "This is your life" sort of moments lately. When I was a kid, I thought that my life would start when I reached adulthood. I didn't think much about living until now. I was going with the flow and going to school. That plan ended when I finished with school and now, I'm constantly questioning myself. Should I do this or that? I'm pretty sure I'm making all the wrong decisions or all the right ones. I'm actually glad at this point that I'm not in a committed relationship. I thought when I was a kid that by the time I was 20 or now 21, I should be in one and be finished with school and really starting my life. But now I see so many possibilities even if some of them may not be open to me right now. I know I want to become a respected screenwriter. I know that I want to travel and own my own house. I want to eventually get married and have maybe one child but I like all the possibilities before me. And maybe what I want right now will change and then I'll find different goals but I think screenwriting is one of the few constants, along with God. Right now, I'm doing all of these little things to better myself and gain an income. I don't know where my immediate path is leading. I hope that a lot of things happen for me soon but when I do think into the distant future, it's possible that the now may not matter towards that. Sometimes there are too many options for me yet not the right one. Screenwriting is the right one and I don't see it right now. But maybe I'm not ready for it right now. If it came to me, then I would be. But time will help me to become what I'm supposed to be, a more talented writer or whatever God wills me to be. I can wait, after all, I'm waiting with hundreds of thousands waiting to see their names on the silver screen.

Ballet Etc.

After writing 6 screenplays, only 2 I consider truly great and 2 that won't help my career at all and four that are mediocre; I have decided to read a bunch of screenwriting books that I already own. I've read and taken classes before but I need to constantly improve if I'm to make any money off it or gain an ounce of prestige. I'm not out there for money or prestige but the only way to become successful is to get those two things in order to reach the actual goal of reaching larger audiences with what I consider to be wonderful writing. I started reading Syd Field's book Screenplay. I figure I might as well start with an original plus while I was reading it I found out that he likewise attended Berkeley. I have a few ideas for screenplays but I just don't currently have the drive to start working heavily on another, at least not without some type of guidance so that I can win a competition. After 6 feature length screenplays, I figure that I will want to at least get somewhere. I don't expect to because the odds are against me but I also am not discouraged, I just like to see a positive result from my work otherwise it's less worthwhile.

In my life these days, I am seriously trying to stop working at my dad's store but without truly being busy, it's difficult. I hope to start getting a lot of work in February and it looks like I should be fairly busy. I hate being busy but I also want the sense of accomplishment that comes from being self-sufficient which I am not even close to being. I live at home again though it's a different home and different step-mother. A step-mother who thought Winston Churchill was a TV star. We do talk like girl-friends but then again she also talks about personal stuff about my dad that I never wanted to know so that can be disgusting. Plus the walls are thin. But I am pleased that I was actually happy when I went to a place where a guy I liked worked and I was happy he wasn't there, that's growth. I don't like liking someone who doesn't like me and then not being able to stop. So, being pleased about not being able to see him was a good moment.

I never thought I would start getting involved in things. I am starting to run a newsletter for the Chamber of Commerce in my hometown and I might be coordinating some sort of merchants faire but that is up to a board of some kind. Of course, I doubt I would join these things for free. I like to be paid since I dislike being social or a joiner and prefer to sit at home all day and hang out with my weiner dog named Fred. Although today I went to my first ballet class in over a year. I have been watching a ballet VHS tape over and over again to practice but it's different when 20 other girls are watching you or you feel they are. I was surprised by how friendly everyone was. The last class I attended was a little colder. All the girls acted like they were on a bus. If you don't already know, when you are on a bus, you're not allowed to look at anyone else. Except that in ballet class, you secretly do to make sure that you are better than everyone else and especially thinner. Being that I am a year or two older than most or all of the other girls, I actually have hips and a slight belly even though I'm skinny myself. I was also the most sweaty which is really weird because I'm not a particularly sweaty person but I am not in shape and haven't been since my second year of high school. They were just friendly. Although I can't imagine that they weren't comparing themselves to me in their heads. I have the best legs in any case and I consider myself talented as well. Girls are really competitive and I know that well because I am competitive about that too but I'm not competitive about anything else.

I also started filming this short avant-garde film I want to make. I think I've mentioned that before. I'm looking for a title for it. I'm going to be using a song in it that is called "The Flowers" and there might be some flowers in it but I want the title to be really difficult to come up with because then it should be a really great title.

In other news, I've been pushing back making an appointment to see my old principal for advice. I may want to become a school teacher so I can buy a house over the next 10 years and save up to make some indie films. And I need some advice on some things but I also have a proposal for a film class. It is awful that the state is cutting out most of the arts in schools. I understand it and this is the best time for them to do it but it's the worst time for me to be proposing such a thing. But it'd be a great class to have and I know other high school's are starting to do this type of thing. I hate talking to people. I'm going to get over that someday. And write many more screenplays. 3 on the way.

This Week

This week I got to cry about my perception that my friends didn't want to hang out with me but that's sort of normal. Except the crying part. And I still think they don't care that much about hanging out with me. I don't have many friends and you'd think I'd want more. I really don't. I don't enjoy having friends or going out. I'm surprised I cried so easily from it, the first time in a rather long time I'd been able to cry. That's good and bad. I think it's a whole childhood abandonment thing which I cried about a lot as a child for no good reason. But at least I'll be able to write a screenplay about being a recluse.

Also this week, I hope I don't have a cold. I had insomnia last night and I have that eczema on my right hand again. I don't know what's up with my right hand/arm because that's the only part of my body that I easily get rashes or dry skin. But I'm sort of weird, I also get a stomach ache when I wear a hat that's too tight. I think it's all just stress.

I also got to film some for a short avant-garde film I'd like to make. It might be more of a music video with someone else's music than anything. Also, this week, a boy who asked me out last week never called so I get to grieve and let go of another possibility. But I did get to have a dream about one of my only girlfriend's boyfriend in which he was Fred Astaire and we were going to run away together but then she showed up and I went looking for my dog Fred. There was even a broadway number with lots of colors.

And I lost a friend, maybe he was never one however he does work for my dad and he's my brother's best friend so I still see him. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, maybe we're still friends but it's hard to tell. He just doesn't like me. At least I like me and many others like me too. And I read lots of self-help books so I can reach "self-actualization" or something else cheesy sounding. I'm learning that I have many things to work on with myself. Like not being clingy or annoying. I thought I was already okay with that but I'd love to be completely aloof and uncaring yet sensitive and sympathetic. I feel a lot of the time that when I like a guy and he likes someone else that she's always better than me. That girl always seems to be one up on me in just about everything, like in being enthusiastic and fun or spontaneous. I just want to like a boy who likes a girl who's me. And to be happy and go to heaven and stuff. Or maybe just live out my days with a dog named Fred in a my own house, writing. That'd be okay too.

The Future

I'm at the point in my life where I get to choose what happens next. Choice is great but life choices are hard to make. Even though I might be able to change them later.

Do I go back to school and for what? I thought I was not going back. I became a professional organizer/Pampered Chef Consultant/substitute teacher and none of that has gotten set up completely yet. And already I've changed my mind. Granted that I can't apply to schools until later this year so I'll be doing those things. Currently I help out at my dad's store and I'm teaching him to order me around less, I get to do inventories and paperwork and pricing.

The new year, what will I achieve this year? I used to not think about accomplishing things each year or setting goals. But I do now. Last year I graduated from a top public university however I didn't do anything else. I was going to start a career or something. I didn't. I did write 3 screenplays. That's something but I wasted quite a bit of time, money-wise. I want some financial security in my life, as everyone does right now. I've never worked fully to pay for everything and been fully out on my own and I want to but I can't. There are a lot of things I want to accomplish but I feel lacking.

My goal this year in screenwriting is to win one competition. That may not seem like a lot but I've entered about 15 or 20 and I've gotten nothing. I keep thinking, if I'm that good I should be winning some but I haven't. I'm not worried about my skill level since the odds of winning are not good. I've never won anything except last year when I won $250 and I had to return it to make my dad look good. I'm not defeated. It'll take a lot to win just one. Then maybe I'll be able to win over an agent and start making it, a little. I'd love to make a bunch of indie films and be semi-heard of.

I don't get to go to the movies a lot, or ever, really. But when I did go, I used to love it when, after a movie I would stand up and start walking and feel really light-headed and euphoric from such a great film, especially if it made me cry and laugh. I want some form of that for all the people who go to see my films. I think when I refine my craft, people will be ready for me.

Annoyed and Alone

I recently moved back into my dad's place. Unfortunately, it's a tri-plex with loud neighbors who I share a wall with. They like heavy metal and country music. I only like peace and quiet. I can hear pretty much every word they say so when they play their music, it's loud. Thankfully I'm a good complainer, I will tell them that it's loud. At least then, the walls don't vibrate. As a Christian, I try not to hate them but they annoy me to death. Don't worry, I don't hate them, I just wish they didn't live here.

Last night was New Years Eve and I spent it alone again. Although my dog Freddie was there. I sometimes have to think, hey, he's just a dog when people go, "oh, what a cute weiner dog." It helps to remember he's not human. Although I have three friends including my brother. I have friends from out of town but obviously we don't hang out.

Sometimes I wish I had more friends but then again I don't like friends very much. I've come to the conclusion that I prefer being a recluse than going out with friends. Maybe it's something about screenwriters. This week I finished my 6th screenplay. Although I have to admit that my first two sucked (although one of them didn't suck, it was an adaptation so I can't do anything with it so that sucks). I hate Hollywood but as all do, I want to get in. I wish Hollywood would reform. They need it. I heard they might be starting to reform. My screenplays don't really fit into Hollywood, I like to think they're a whole lot better than Hollywood and considering the awful stuff that comes out of there these days, I'm way on top even though no one knows it yet.