Conflict and Drama

I was reading Syd Field's book Screenplay and an idea occurred to me for a screenplay. I couldn't tell you how I come up with ideas, I guess I just watch enough TV that they just sort of fly into my brain. I'm on page 15. But what really got me was the fact that I was doing things all wrong before this screenplay. Sure, I've written 6 screenplays and they're okay. I love a couple of them but it doesn't catch competition's eye. And that's because I write about my life and although my life is interesting at times, it has simply winded down quite a bit. Unfortunately when my life was really interesting I didn't have screenplay structure down yet. I enjoy writing about the everyday life, that is, everyday life with lots of interesting things happening. One great example from a while ago, The Bicycle Thief (winner best foreign film, Academy Awards, 1949).

My writing just isn't dramatic enough for right now. I like to write comedies that are dramatic yet very realistic to everyday life. There are two thoughts on that subject. One is that people go to the movies to escape their lives so they want something that is new and different. The second thought is that people want to connect with what is happening on the screen to better understand their own lives. I usually side with the latter but until I win a competition it's important to side with the first. Obviously, most screenplays have both because the audience needs to connect on some level with the film and you want it to be something new and unique but realistically you can't do justice to both of those ideals. Like action films. How many people go out on spy missions and get attacked by wild zombies? Some people have some type of action in their lives (like mountain climbing) but most don't. So you have to connect on some other level, so they add in some sort of emotional connection but with an action movie it is very minimal. You are only there for the action. Now there is one genre which I feel is lacking in a lot of other ways but which generally holds both of those and that is the romantic comedy. It is fairly new and different to our own lives (though it's pretty much always the same thing over and over again but it's different from our lives) and we can relate because we've all been in relationships of one kind or another and are able to bond with the characters over it.

Back to my own works, I draw normally from foreign films and although lots of things happen and they're generally weird, when you're explaining the plot, not that much happens in a lot of those films (or in some independent films here in the US). I like that. But I also like super dramatic films that end well yet open-ended. Right now, I need to write at the height of the dramatic so that I can catch someone's eye and then I can widen that a bit and write more of what I want so long as it's good. Another problem with my writing is that I sometimes draw too much from my own life. And let's face it, it's thoroughly difficult to structure our own lives. So, I started writing a tremendously dramatic film that I think will actually catch someone's eye because it's dramatic and has a clear focus. I feel that drama's are a good genre to start with because it's the easiest way to get your audience to connect with your characters which is one of the most important things other than the actual plot and narrative structure. The best thing to do to come up with an idea like this is to think, hey, what would be really awful if it happened to me? What misfortunes have I had and what other situations involve the same kind of emotional pain? Usually disease, death, or other illnesses are really great in drama's. Also, the parent/child relationship is also very interesting. I don't like accidents because sometimes that just ruins the film for me. But other sorts of pain and horrible situations are really good. But it's also good to have a balance. After a horrible scene, they might have a more lighthearted scene, if is works, of course. Have a little comedy, even a one liner after something dramatic happens. It's almost essential to have that balance (unless it's a holocaust movie or something). There's so much pain and suffering out there that screenwriters are just out there to use. It would be very helpful if screenwriters were also trained doctors then much less research would be needed.

One funny thing that happened to me this week was that the four year old girl I babysit asked me "when is there going to be a little baby inside your belly?" Kids say the strangest things. And the answer is many years from now, I would hope. I don't actually like kids all that much, at least not most kids and not young kids. Four is actually an okay age. They're still cute enough that you never ever want to slap them. Although the little girl likes me enough that I don't think she'll be too much of a problem. Surprisingly enough, I like middle school/high school age kids better, a lot better. Sure, they're snooty and snotty and highly immature but they can also be smart, helpful, and responsible. It depends on the kid. The thing that probably annoys adults most about middle school/ high school kids is that they hate adults. So, they'll look at you funny and crack jokes and laugh at you. Just laugh back, all kids hate that. And I don't mind because they can't drive (most of them), or make their own decisions, and they all really just want to be older. Since I have what they want, why would I care about them making fun of me? I enjoy laughing anyway.

This Is Your Life

I've recently had many "This is your life" sort of moments lately. When I was a kid, I thought that my life would start when I reached adulthood. I didn't think much about living until now. I was going with the flow and going to school. That plan ended when I finished with school and now, I'm constantly questioning myself. Should I do this or that? I'm pretty sure I'm making all the wrong decisions or all the right ones. I'm actually glad at this point that I'm not in a committed relationship. I thought when I was a kid that by the time I was 20 or now 21, I should be in one and be finished with school and really starting my life. But now I see so many possibilities even if some of them may not be open to me right now. I know I want to become a respected screenwriter. I know that I want to travel and own my own house. I want to eventually get married and have maybe one child but I like all the possibilities before me. And maybe what I want right now will change and then I'll find different goals but I think screenwriting is one of the few constants, along with God. Right now, I'm doing all of these little things to better myself and gain an income. I don't know where my immediate path is leading. I hope that a lot of things happen for me soon but when I do think into the distant future, it's possible that the now may not matter towards that. Sometimes there are too many options for me yet not the right one. Screenwriting is the right one and I don't see it right now. But maybe I'm not ready for it right now. If it came to me, then I would be. But time will help me to become what I'm supposed to be, a more talented writer or whatever God wills me to be. I can wait, after all, I'm waiting with hundreds of thousands waiting to see their names on the silver screen.

Ballet Etc.

After writing 6 screenplays, only 2 I consider truly great and 2 that won't help my career at all and four that are mediocre; I have decided to read a bunch of screenwriting books that I already own. I've read and taken classes before but I need to constantly improve if I'm to make any money off it or gain an ounce of prestige. I'm not out there for money or prestige but the only way to become successful is to get those two things in order to reach the actual goal of reaching larger audiences with what I consider to be wonderful writing. I started reading Syd Field's book Screenplay. I figure I might as well start with an original plus while I was reading it I found out that he likewise attended Berkeley. I have a few ideas for screenplays but I just don't currently have the drive to start working heavily on another, at least not without some type of guidance so that I can win a competition. After 6 feature length screenplays, I figure that I will want to at least get somewhere. I don't expect to because the odds are against me but I also am not discouraged, I just like to see a positive result from my work otherwise it's less worthwhile.

In my life these days, I am seriously trying to stop working at my dad's store but without truly being busy, it's difficult. I hope to start getting a lot of work in February and it looks like I should be fairly busy. I hate being busy but I also want the sense of accomplishment that comes from being self-sufficient which I am not even close to being. I live at home again though it's a different home and different step-mother. A step-mother who thought Winston Churchill was a TV star. We do talk like girl-friends but then again she also talks about personal stuff about my dad that I never wanted to know so that can be disgusting. Plus the walls are thin. But I am pleased that I was actually happy when I went to a place where a guy I liked worked and I was happy he wasn't there, that's growth. I don't like liking someone who doesn't like me and then not being able to stop. So, being pleased about not being able to see him was a good moment.

I never thought I would start getting involved in things. I am starting to run a newsletter for the Chamber of Commerce in my hometown and I might be coordinating some sort of merchants faire but that is up to a board of some kind. Of course, I doubt I would join these things for free. I like to be paid since I dislike being social or a joiner and prefer to sit at home all day and hang out with my weiner dog named Fred. Although today I went to my first ballet class in over a year. I have been watching a ballet VHS tape over and over again to practice but it's different when 20 other girls are watching you or you feel they are. I was surprised by how friendly everyone was. The last class I attended was a little colder. All the girls acted like they were on a bus. If you don't already know, when you are on a bus, you're not allowed to look at anyone else. Except that in ballet class, you secretly do to make sure that you are better than everyone else and especially thinner. Being that I am a year or two older than most or all of the other girls, I actually have hips and a slight belly even though I'm skinny myself. I was also the most sweaty which is really weird because I'm not a particularly sweaty person but I am not in shape and haven't been since my second year of high school. They were just friendly. Although I can't imagine that they weren't comparing themselves to me in their heads. I have the best legs in any case and I consider myself talented as well. Girls are really competitive and I know that well because I am competitive about that too but I'm not competitive about anything else.

I also started filming this short avant-garde film I want to make. I think I've mentioned that before. I'm looking for a title for it. I'm going to be using a song in it that is called "The Flowers" and there might be some flowers in it but I want the title to be really difficult to come up with because then it should be a really great title.

In other news, I've been pushing back making an appointment to see my old principal for advice. I may want to become a school teacher so I can buy a house over the next 10 years and save up to make some indie films. And I need some advice on some things but I also have a proposal for a film class. It is awful that the state is cutting out most of the arts in schools. I understand it and this is the best time for them to do it but it's the worst time for me to be proposing such a thing. But it'd be a great class to have and I know other high school's are starting to do this type of thing. I hate talking to people. I'm going to get over that someday. And write many more screenplays. 3 on the way.

This Week

This week I got to cry about my perception that my friends didn't want to hang out with me but that's sort of normal. Except the crying part. And I still think they don't care that much about hanging out with me. I don't have many friends and you'd think I'd want more. I really don't. I don't enjoy having friends or going out. I'm surprised I cried so easily from it, the first time in a rather long time I'd been able to cry. That's good and bad. I think it's a whole childhood abandonment thing which I cried about a lot as a child for no good reason. But at least I'll be able to write a screenplay about being a recluse.

Also this week, I hope I don't have a cold. I had insomnia last night and I have that eczema on my right hand again. I don't know what's up with my right hand/arm because that's the only part of my body that I easily get rashes or dry skin. But I'm sort of weird, I also get a stomach ache when I wear a hat that's too tight. I think it's all just stress.

I also got to film some for a short avant-garde film I'd like to make. It might be more of a music video with someone else's music than anything. Also, this week, a boy who asked me out last week never called so I get to grieve and let go of another possibility. But I did get to have a dream about one of my only girlfriend's boyfriend in which he was Fred Astaire and we were going to run away together but then she showed up and I went looking for my dog Fred. There was even a broadway number with lots of colors.

And I lost a friend, maybe he was never one however he does work for my dad and he's my brother's best friend so I still see him. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, maybe we're still friends but it's hard to tell. He just doesn't like me. At least I like me and many others like me too. And I read lots of self-help books so I can reach "self-actualization" or something else cheesy sounding. I'm learning that I have many things to work on with myself. Like not being clingy or annoying. I thought I was already okay with that but I'd love to be completely aloof and uncaring yet sensitive and sympathetic. I feel a lot of the time that when I like a guy and he likes someone else that she's always better than me. That girl always seems to be one up on me in just about everything, like in being enthusiastic and fun or spontaneous. I just want to like a boy who likes a girl who's me. And to be happy and go to heaven and stuff. Or maybe just live out my days with a dog named Fred in a my own house, writing. That'd be okay too.

The Future

I'm at the point in my life where I get to choose what happens next. Choice is great but life choices are hard to make. Even though I might be able to change them later.

Do I go back to school and for what? I thought I was not going back. I became a professional organizer/Pampered Chef Consultant/substitute teacher and none of that has gotten set up completely yet. And already I've changed my mind. Granted that I can't apply to schools until later this year so I'll be doing those things. Currently I help out at my dad's store and I'm teaching him to order me around less, I get to do inventories and paperwork and pricing.

The new year, what will I achieve this year? I used to not think about accomplishing things each year or setting goals. But I do now. Last year I graduated from a top public university however I didn't do anything else. I was going to start a career or something. I didn't. I did write 3 screenplays. That's something but I wasted quite a bit of time, money-wise. I want some financial security in my life, as everyone does right now. I've never worked fully to pay for everything and been fully out on my own and I want to but I can't. There are a lot of things I want to accomplish but I feel lacking.

My goal this year in screenwriting is to win one competition. That may not seem like a lot but I've entered about 15 or 20 and I've gotten nothing. I keep thinking, if I'm that good I should be winning some but I haven't. I'm not worried about my skill level since the odds of winning are not good. I've never won anything except last year when I won $250 and I had to return it to make my dad look good. I'm not defeated. It'll take a lot to win just one. Then maybe I'll be able to win over an agent and start making it, a little. I'd love to make a bunch of indie films and be semi-heard of.

I don't get to go to the movies a lot, or ever, really. But when I did go, I used to love it when, after a movie I would stand up and start walking and feel really light-headed and euphoric from such a great film, especially if it made me cry and laugh. I want some form of that for all the people who go to see my films. I think when I refine my craft, people will be ready for me.

Annoyed and Alone

I recently moved back into my dad's place. Unfortunately, it's a tri-plex with loud neighbors who I share a wall with. They like heavy metal and country music. I only like peace and quiet. I can hear pretty much every word they say so when they play their music, it's loud. Thankfully I'm a good complainer, I will tell them that it's loud. At least then, the walls don't vibrate. As a Christian, I try not to hate them but they annoy me to death. Don't worry, I don't hate them, I just wish they didn't live here.

Last night was New Years Eve and I spent it alone again. Although my dog Freddie was there. I sometimes have to think, hey, he's just a dog when people go, "oh, what a cute weiner dog." It helps to remember he's not human. Although I have three friends including my brother. I have friends from out of town but obviously we don't hang out.

Sometimes I wish I had more friends but then again I don't like friends very much. I've come to the conclusion that I prefer being a recluse than going out with friends. Maybe it's something about screenwriters. This week I finished my 6th screenplay. Although I have to admit that my first two sucked (although one of them didn't suck, it was an adaptation so I can't do anything with it so that sucks). I hate Hollywood but as all do, I want to get in. I wish Hollywood would reform. They need it. I heard they might be starting to reform. My screenplays don't really fit into Hollywood, I like to think they're a whole lot better than Hollywood and considering the awful stuff that comes out of there these days, I'm way on top even though no one knows it yet.