Hope

I had my big test today. The CSET: English with all four subtests. It's a five hour long test and I took every minute, of course, 30 of them I used checking over my answers and essays but mostly to no avail. I knew that some of them would be inevitably wrong but I couldn't figure out which one was right. What's really nice is that I have to wait a month to find out whether I passed. The only way I can see the silver lining there is that at least I'm not waiting to find out if I'm pregnant. This way is a lot simpler. Pass or fail. If I didn't pass I get to pay a lot of money to take it over again and still have the possibility of not passing. I had been so busy studying a subject I actually knew very little about that my life was only about metonymy and apostrophe. Learning everything I could learn about the subject. Of course, during the actual test I couldn't think what an adverb was although I did figure it out. Strangely enough the only author about which a question was asked and of which I have actually read the works, I couldn't remember a thing about. I don't read a lot by the way. I had had to read some of his plays (not that I remembered they were plays) for a film class (not that I remembered which film class) once because they related to some Scandanavian films we were watching. And the question was which literary style he wrote in. I'm pretty sure I guessed correctly though. I really hope I passed. It would make me feel incredibly stupid if I didn't considering that you only have to get a 70% or above.

What was especially fun about this last week was that I also had another test, in health education, a class I am testing out of. I get to take 4 more tests and write a 10 page essay. Before my test today, I was thinking, "if I fail this test, should I bother to take it again?" The thought of more school is daunting. I know I can do it but I hate it thoroughly. Will I even like teaching after all of this trouble? When I left the test site today after being there from 2 until 7pm tonight, I was smiling. I felt embarrassed smiling because I so rarely show emotion. There wasn't even anyone around. From my upbringing, I grew to think emotion was a weakness whether the emotion was positive or negative. My brother and I both are fairly non-emotional although my sister is a bit melodramatic always. And then the cold set in and by the time I got to my car I was deeply shivering. It's been terribly cold lately. Normally this area is fairly even having temperatures mainly in the 70s during the day and 50s and 60s during the night. But lately it's been getting under 40 and 30 at night. On Wednesday of this last week, there was ice frosted on my car. In any case, I was happy about finishing the test. I was surprised that I was so happy. Which surprised me too.

Tomorrow I get to start studying for my next health education test. I got an 86% on my first and I feel slightly stupid because it was such an easy test that I should have gotten an A on it. I used to think it was stupid to try to get A's, why bother, right? But there's very little reward in my life without it. The classes that I will be taking (hopefully) at the university that will dwindle my savings down to zero will be starting March 30th. How fun! Just to note, you can always tell when I'm being sarcastic because I just used an exclamation point but I don't actually get excited about anything so don't get the wrong idea. I'd better want to be a teacher now. This sucks. I haven't had any time to work on my screenplay that I want to finish by May 1st if not sooner. I have Pampered Chef parties, advertisements to make people pay for, and faire coordinator duties. Plus studying. Plus my dad says that we should organize his store's backroom which has been messy since its inception more than 20 years ago. I was going to talk about hope and the hope that I have in passing my test and being happy about my life but I've realized now that it's a mute point. Let it be a month from now. Or a year. I need peace and quiet. Take me to whatever time that's going to happen. And send me a good-looking boyfriend who has a conscience while you are at it or just send me a boyfriend, preferably one that's equally annoyed with the world.