Thoughts

My life goes from boring to interesting and during that I go through tons of thought processes. The last week was bad. I didn't sleep well and I wanted to hate food, but it called out to me. I mostly listened to my ipod and rested most days when I had free time. I listen to music, but that was out of the ordinary. Usually I like to watch lots of TV. I did that too, but not at all as much. I suppose you could say that I was sad this last week culminating in a good cry last night. I don't usually cry and usually I can't even when I wanted to so I had to try really hard to cry last night. But I succeeded in working myself into a top-notch cry and heal whatever sadness I had been going through. I can't say that it's gone, but I'm actually looking forward to time off from school. I'll have time to put myself into a few projects that I'm really looking forward to working on. These include actually working on my screenplays which I haven't gotten the chance to work on and planning for my student teaching in January.

Today at work, I worked on revising a prized screenplay of mine because it sucks. I mostly just crossed out scenes that were boring or unnecessary or just didn't work. I always dread revising, but I have the goal of making this one screenplay win something because of it's possible greatness. I miss having goals in life so any great goal makes me feel good.

Yesterday, I told one my friends some intense stuff which he barely reacted to which I both liked and didn't like. I want him to care more, but I also know that he's not going to tell anyone and at least if I need him, I can talk to him. When I text him now, he actually responds and usually in a timely manner which is a step in the right direction. And generally with good advice. Out of my friends, I listen to his advice most and that's usually because I agree with his advice and I don't agree with my other friends advice whether theirs is more right or not. As far as dating goes, I would enjoy dating him even if it's short-lived. He works for my dad and just wants to be single for a while though. And because of the guy code, as my brother's best friend, he refused to tell me if he's attracted to me. There was an awkwardly funny moment; however, where he threw a piece of bagel at an inappropriate area and said "If you continue doing that, I'm going to throw more food at your vagina." After which, he started laughing at his own weird sentence and I laughed too. Don't get the wrong idea, he's just weird in general and probably does that kind of stuff with all his girl-type friends. And if anyone asks, his excuse is brain damage.

I'm dreading student teaching because it seems to loom so much closer. I wish time would stop so I could just sit in bed and do nothing that would be good (and obviously bad). I get fussy when I'm bored. I don't get bored easily. I'm scared of teaching, of standing in front of students with them looking at me expecting me to talk to them and possibly teach them something, and make sure they are behaving. All whilst I have actual classes, work, boy troubles, and the PACT ( a teaching event which is a really long video project test which I have to pass to get a credential).
To be perfectly honest, I quarter want to drop out of the program because of the thought of the next two quarters. Plus the whole thing where I dread my whole entire future and hope that God kills me sooner rather than later if I'm just going to be unhappy the rest of my life. Today I'm content and I really like that. But bad things keep happening and have been happening and I don't see that changing. There's little hope that I will have a significant other at any point, especially one that will marry me. So, I'm just peachy about my life. If I can just pour myself into my work and gain some intrinsic rewards from that, I might live long enough to find out.