How can it be a new year?

I just finished reading another book. This book I read on purpose though. From Wednesday to a couple minutes ago I have read about 600 pages between three rather short books. I can't believe I did that. I don't even particularly enjoy reading. The book I actually wanted to read, I did enjoy. The few, very few books that I actually enjoy are the ones I want to pick up again and read for hours and not realize the time.

When the new year rolled around I felt unnaturally weepy which is highly annoying since I don't consider that a part of my being. I guess the new year is a time for reflection so without even trying I was thinking about the previous year and my hopes for this year. I find the practice of a new year's resolution revolting, but unfortunately I couldn't help myself this year or probably some of the last years as well. I can't believe it's 2010, that just seems unnatural. How can it be a whole new year? I wasn't done with the last one. Last year I didn't get a boyfriend, a date, or win any screenwriting awards. I didn't get a career, move out of my dad's house, or have a doctor's appointment of any kind. What I did do is get a steady part-time job, pass those stupid CSETs, gain admission to a teacher credentialing program, and finish that first quarter of the program. I can't believe I'm putting myself through this again, this thing we call school. I really want to do this, I just wish it were over already.

So, yes new years resolutions, can we just call them rare hopes for the future? #1 Have a boyfriend by the end of the year, or at least a useless string of bad dates with either one or many different boys. #2 Stop being manipulative. #3 Stop throwing in jokes that make fun of people in front of the said people (and obviously not to their backs either) even when it's in good taste and said people also laugh. And my always resolution for all time: be as selfless as possible/loving etc. By this time next year I'll either be dreading the previous year, be too busy to care, or be happy and reflective and how great the previous year was. How rare! So, in any case, I hope that by this time next year, I (and actually by June something or other) will have a teaching credential, a significant other (to be super duper hopeful - more likely have had a couple dates with actual boys who like me), a teaching career in one of the two schools I wish to teach at or at least be a substitute teacher who enjoys teaching, have my own place or at least be close to having the money to do so, and become a better human being all around.

The near future is interesting and terrifying. It should have horns since it is very fitting. On Monday I start school again and observations at my student teaching placement. I realize that this week should actually be fairly easy. I'm thinking about the week after when I'll be standing in front of a group of 30 or 35 8th graders supposedly teaching. I don't yet know how to do that. But the week after next, Monday through Friday, I'm expected to teach one full period everyday. And the week after that, two full periods until March something or other. And during that time I have to film myself teaching, write a report about 60-80 pages long (which includes all the lesson plans for a week), and pass it since it's a test that means I get or do not get a credential. I realize that I'll have two additional times to take this 'test.' But come on, do I want to do that more than once? I hope I enjoy teaching because if I don't, I'll have to drop out of the program and figure out what I do want to do with my life. Don't get me wrong, teaching seems like something I would love to do, but there's a difference between the concept and actually doing it and enjoying it. We'll see.

I'm sure this is really long, but let me just add one thing about me and being private. I sometimes think I give away too much information and other times, none. Being a private person involves loneliness since you can't share yourself with anyone. If you can share yourself with a select few then you are alive and understood. I go through life alone and sometimes telling lies. Like when you say, 'I'm fine' and you're not or when you let someone believe something about you that isn't true because you want them to think of you as a concept and not as your true self. This is why I tell a select few my thoughts and secrets. For now, this select few is ever-changing and fleeting, but one day I hope to have one person who knows me all around who I can never lie to then I will never be alone. I consider myself a private person in that sense. In the sense that most of my world is composed of telling everyone nothing and a couple people nearly everything. Not including this blog, which frankly would be embarrassing if everyone I've ever known read it (which is possible with the internet, but I don't worry much about it, there's nothing bad here). I know myself and it takes a lot of effort to show others who I am.

Also, this year, I'd like to completely finish the screenplay I started in 2006. Once I do that, I'll re-submit it to many contests and actually write those query letters I've thought about doing many times since I'm a screenwriter and it's my duty. I need to do all I can to fulfill that nagging dream that I love and will probably love forever even though I'm becoming a secondary school English teacher. How can I become a teacher? Isn't that just crazy? I can't imagine that little girl who cried in the sixth grade when she forgot her beach towel at home for a class trip to the water slides speak in front of a whole class of students. Cross your fingers and don't uncross them until June something or other.