Piles and Goals

Only a month left in this school quarter. Then another 2 and a half months of the program. I'm not a very enthusiastic person and I'm generally disconnected from most everything, so this doesn't excite me or make me sad. My sense of accomplishment in being in the program and getting through the first month and a half are simply surreal. It is certainly great regardless. I just have so much going on in my head and around me that I have very little peace in my brain. I do take naps (I don't actually nap since I'm prone to insomnia, but I rest in the afternoon) which helps. It's either because I have very little energy, I get tired at 2 or 3 pm, or I just like the peace.

My stepmom's birthday was two days ago (my first stepmom that is, not my current one) and I didn't call her. Now it's a little late. I like to avoid these things as much as possible. I don't enjoy getting asked how I'm doing right now and that's generally how those talks go. I don't like giving cards. Unrelated, I certainly don't know how to tell someone, "Oh, that's the cutest little baby you have there." How do people say that with a straight face even when it's true? It's not me. I at least know that much about myself.

One interesting thing is that I may or may not be a contracted writer for one small small project. It depends on if I actually get paid or if it was a scam though it would be a rather dumb useless scam where the person on the receiving end gets a useless stream of voice-overs that serves no obvious purpose. I wrote the voice-overs for a three minute travel documentary for the Travel Channel's website. We'll see how all that goes. If I get paid the money I was promised, if it gets made into the short, and if it makes me proud that'd be good. I don't imagine that it will lead to a stunning career in film or even to additional jobs writing voice-overs, but at least I can put it on my resume and feel superior to the people around me.

Goals:
1. Resolve identity crises
2. Finish this quarter excellently
3. Pass that big evaluation nightmare PACT
4. Be happier
5. Exercise everyday
6. Eat healthier (I've gained like 10 pounds somehow - I can't find out where and it's the heaviest I've ever been - which I know is still pretty thin)
7. Actually revise screenplay, especially by May 1st
8. Pay off credit cards and not get constant balances on them
9. Grow
10. Let go
11. Stay sane

I started thinking about the concept of hope. It helps to have it sometimes, but other times it actually isn't all that helpful. I found that in one instance hope doesn't help me at all. Hoping for a significant other only makes me think about it and want it more. With Valentine's Day coming up, I bought myself chocolate (and it's not heart-shaped or pink or red). Not hoping is better here. Dwelling on that just made me so unhappy. I'm working on myself. I got to a low point recently and I hope (there's that word again) to keep getting better. More fulfillment and happiness is always better. That I can hope for. The chocolate certainly helps, but I wonder if my metabolism is slowing down. That will never make me stop the chocolate, the cheese, ice cream, or many other unhealthy foods I eat. I'll just be one of those thin unhealthy types who always worries about her weight, but who never actually does much about it. I see America.